Finding Joy

This last week has been a busy one. I have not felt up to the so called "normal" activities of daily life so pardon the brief lack of posting. Between a new nephew being born (Luke Brian Luehrs to Mike & Sundae), my mother-in law having surgery and pipes bursting on the farm...well life just happens. Add the fact that chemo drugs just tend to linger in your body causing various energy depleting side effects. Things seem to be getting back on track and life continues to roll. Thank you for praying and upholding our family!

Some thoughts from my journal...

It's not depression but oppression. I am convinced. My heart and mind belong to the Father. Yet it seems that the little things around me blow up into huge obstacles. Testing and trying my patience. Like irrigation pipes bursting! Like my truck in the shop for the second time. My character is being refined by the fire. Through the flames I march once again. My plea is this: help me believe you are a good God, remind me that your love endures forever. I cast my cares upon Him and I begin to trust again in your faithfulness, step by step, little by little I regain my strength for battle.

You say I am blessed because of this
You get the glory in the midst of this
I choose to believe
As I carry this cross - you'll carry me
You love is an ocean wide
By Audresy Assuad

I can't see through the circumstances I face. I am floating along in a haze. Wondering across the desert. Just like those stubborn Israelite's. I cling to the only thing I can: Manna. It feeds my hungry soul. It sustains my frame and fills my heart with hope and prepares my feet for what lies ahead. I don't have all the answers to the questions I ask myself in the secret place. What is it about this Manna? What is it? That is the name the Israelite's gave to Manna - what is it? It is the WORD that provides hope, joy, clarity and wisdom. I am overwhelmed with the burdens of this life. Each day seems to bring more trouble. Didn't Jesus say this would happen? Yet in the midst of these so called troubles I remain vigilant to stand my ground. Arming myself with the weapons for spiritual battle. I will not be moved. I ask for grace again. Forgiveness only comes when I am willing to be broken - letting go of self, my pride, my ways. Yes the obstacles are present and they could stand in the way of my growth process. But I know better. This is the opportunity for elusive joy to make its grand entrance. Through the difficulties of deflecting flaming arrows my shield gets a work out. My belt gets tightened a notch tighter, my helmet is on and yes that sword is drawn and I stand tall and strong. Bring it on I say, waiting for the next sly and sneaky attack. It is the Devil's plan to steal, kill and destroy my joy. But not today. I will come out of the flames refined, better than before. He is doing a new thing (Isaiah 43:19). So I ask again the see the blessing in the compost of my crazy wonderful life. Compost is just here, there and everywhere. I love how Tri Robinson says it "Somehow God is able to do his best work in the depths of the compost of our lives. I am thankful for the compost in my life - not for the making, but for the growth that comes out of it." I am hopeful for an abundant crop of joy. In the murky waters surrounding my life I can choose my attitude. I can choose joy, embrace joy and be joy - only self kills joy.

"Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be withe you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1-3

These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perished even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:7-9

A Dare to Read

OK blog friends here is a challenge for you: read a book. Simple enough, right? I am starting a book club. If you want to join, email me and let me know. The first book is one I am only half way through--and I cannot put it down. It is raw, authentic and faith shaking. The first book to read is called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Thank you to my friend Shannon for gifting me with this amazing book. I want to tell everyone about what I am reading -- I want to share the experience with others. So the deal is this: first buy the book, second read the book and third well talk about the book. I am thinking once a month would work out just fine. So the first time to meet will be the second week in October. Depending on who wants to join my book club well meet in the mornings or evenings...well see. Also for those of you who don't live by me and still want to join we can conference call you into our book club meetings, no worries!

We will most likely pick books that encourage spiritual growth for a woman's heart. I like deep thought provoking books. This is not for the weak minded. It is for those who are spiritually hungry and seek a deeper love for Christ. Anyone is welcome. There will be no homework or extras associated with the club. Just simply commit to reading a book once a month and show up to fellowship (which means food of course!) and discuss what we read. Who will join me?

Email me at: aeldrl2@gmail.com
Link to Amazon: One Thousand Gifts

Listening

I feel like I have been doing a lot of talking and not a lot of listening. So for the record, I am trying to listen more intently to what others around me are saying. I am also forcing myself to enjoy solitude. Only a mother can understand the sheer enthusiasm that comes this time of year: back to school. Yep, I said I can't wait for school to begin! Maybe I'll get more of those peaceful quiet moments that seem to be elusive these days. I hear Him knocking on the door of my heart...Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10)...Come all you who weary and heavy laden for I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28). It is the voice of Jesus calling. I can't deny He stands at the door and knocks, His Word says He does...Behold I stand at the door and knock (Revelation 3:20) I am reminded to slow down, ponder, reflect and listen. You can't hear what God is speaking if all you are doing is talking to Him. I feel like I bring my long list of complaints -- things I am working on with God to His feet daily. I know He must enjoy my attempts to get His attention. I fail miserably at this. He knows what I need even before I ask. He wants my prayers to be simple, heart-felt and to the point. Another words no flowery speech or long sermons about myself or to God explaining why things should work out a certain way I think. Just plain talk and nothing added to it. Why is that so hard? Prayer has been described as a conversation between two intimate friends. You know those awkward pauses between conversation when nothing is said, just silence fills the room? That is what I am after. It's okay to just be silent and listen. I am learning this. It happened to me the other night. I couldn't sleep. Mind racing. I made another one of those long lists in the dark--prayer requests, things to do in the morning -- and then I was gently reminded by that soft quiet voice. Hello: this is God calling you to be quiet right now...just sit and listen to me...no more lists etc. Just sit, be still and listen. Okay I get it Lord! My heart remains captive to the demands of this world. There is no freedom in the busyness of life. Only Jesus can provide that solitude my heart desperately desires. It is up to me to use the key (prayer) to unlock the door of my captive heart. I choose to believe He is standing at the door of my heart knocking...I will unlock my captive heart and let Him set me free. The picture is painted for us in scripture. It is Jerusalem--captive and chained. Isaiah 52:2 "Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive daughter of Zion." So why then do I toil and put off my quiet time? It is so refreshing, so energizing to my mind, body and spirit. This is what we were created for--relationship with our Maker. To communicate in a deep way with the one my soul loves fills me to overflowing. Mary discovered what was good...sitting at the Lord's feet listening to what he said...she choose what is better and it was not taken from her. Samuel discovered hearing the Lord's call. He too called out in the night, "Speak Lord for your servant is listening." (1 Samuel 3:9). The Lord continued to speak to Samuel through his word and Samuel obeyed. I don't want to miss that. God was speaking to his servant who was listening in the stillness of the night. He also uses His Word to convey His message. God still works this way. Just wondering if we truly are listening...

The Cost of Worry

It has been a great week for me. This third round of chemo has gone very well. I was able to get some canning done in my kitchen for the first time. We now have applesauce and green beans to enjoy over the winter months. I am eager to receive chemo this morning. I am hopeful things will go as scheduled, but trust that the Lord knows best. I get to see the oncology Doctor this morning as well.

The sunrise was glorious this morning! Beautiful colors - no clouds just the sun and all it's glory welcoming a new day. Rejoice and be glad for this is the day the Lord has made!

A word about a lesson I am in the process of learning...hope you can learn along side me in this.

Worry. Does it get you anything? Maybe an ulcer, headache, fatigue? I have a lot on my plate right now that causes me to worry. Let me tell you a secret I have been learning over these past four months. I think it is a lesson I will continually be learning this side of glory. I am human after all and a stubborn one at that. It seems that the big lessons in life God wants to teach us keep coming to surface and smack us square in the face and heart. If we don't see it right away it begins to eat away at out hearts. This is not an easy lesson for me. I am self-sufficient. I am confident. Yet I am also weak due to illness and medications. My hope is in Christ - He is my strength. Here is what I am learning: I need to ask for help. Why? Worrying about the things around me that I simply can not change does me no good. I am helpless to change circumstances. But I can change the way I feel about them. I can ask others to help me in my time of need. It boils down simply to pride. Yes I said pride. We all think we are strong in the name of "Christ" to keep a happy face on, but deep down we are sinking. Admitting you need help is the first step. The second is then even more painful - asking a friend or family member to help you. I am so humbled by the overwhelming response of my family, friends, church family and extended community to help me during this season of my life. It is a humbling experience to have people come into your home a fold your socks and under ware -- clean toilets and mop floors. This is what God wants to happen. In the midst of a trial, hardship or illness God wants us to reach out and ask Him first for strength then second He wants us to ask others for help. "For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10 When I ask someone to help me, instead of worrying about how I can get my stuff accomplished two blessings occur. In this process I am allowing the Holy Spirit to move in a mighty way in their life. If I continue to keep control of all my stuff I would be missing out on some of the good works God has prepared in advance for me to do as well as others. I have my ways of folding laundry, cleaning floors and cooking meals. But the Lord gently reminds me - does this really matter? "Therefore I tell you do not worry about your life..." Matthew 6:25 I don't want to miss the blessings God has for me during this season. I don't want others to miss the blessings God has for them. I can already name so many huge miracles the Lord has done for myself and my family over these past four months. I am working on building more barns to store the blessings! We are called to live by faith, we are new creations, the old self has been crucified with Christ. We are to consider others better than ourselves. We are to lay our pride down. We are to live a life of love, being imitators of Christ. Here is our opportunity to find out what pleases the Lord. Listen to the Lord -- and when a name of a friend or loved one comes to mind act on it. Don't wait. Follow through by writing the card, making the phone call, make the meal, go and visit. This is truly the blessings God has stored up for those who love him, that He so eagerly wants to pour out! God is truly glorified in this act. I am learning to not be worried or afraid of what others might think. It is not a sign of weakness, but greatness. I don't want to miss this blessings. I am learning to ask more often for the help I need. You never know -- I may be coming to fold your laundry soon!
"Therefore, as we have opportunity let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galatians 6:10

No Bad Hair Days

So the time had arrived for the head shaving event. I suppose most cancer patients have to make the decision at some point. For me it was several factors that contributed to going bald. Many of the chemo drugs cause hair thinning. This was the case for me. I have been blessed with lots of hair-- thick hair. So I thought well just wait and see what happens. As round three of chemo finished up I could tell the hair issue was going to plague me. It's not that my hair really looked bad, it was just the sheer fact that my hair was shedding like a bad dog all over the place. This is a very emotional thing. I had to make a decision. I could look at my hair falling out everyday and get a bit frustrated and even sad or I could take control of the situation and put an end to the negative feelings. So one morning I woke up and just new it was time. There are not many things I am able to be in control of. My feelings are one I can control. I can choose to be happy with hair or without. But as you see your hair on the pillow every morning and all over the bathroom floor it eats away at you. It is easier to look at the giant and say --I have power over you -- you can't scare me! Just like David facing Goliath with a few smooth stones and the Lord of Heavens army on his side. So a sweet friend of my mine named Jeanie came over and shaved my head that day. Jeanie is also a kindred sister fighting her own battle of cancer. So amazing how the Lord has crossed our paths. It is very encouraging to have a dear friend share these special moments together. I feel great now. The hair is gone. So now I don't have to worry about bad hair days, washing my hair, brushing my hair etc. Now it is just deciding between a hat, scarf or a wig...decisions, decisions, decisions...My family has adjusted to the new me. Dustin at first was very adamant that I not shave my head. He kept saying, "Mommy do not brush your hair, do not wash your hair, just wear a hat and it won't fall out anymore! " Now he says I have a fuzzy caterpillar for hair. So precious!

Spirit vs. Flesh

So the last few days have consisted of sleeping. Yep, sleeping. I guess that is the body's way of saying rest flesh! I am thankful that sleep has come easy and most days and nights are a blur now. I am wrestling with my spirit's desire to be active, social and in fellowship with friends and family. I do miss getting out and about. Due to my low levels of WBC and just recuperating from round 3 of chemo I have kept myself at bay from activities. This is not easy for me. I so desperately want to be with my friends at church and other social gatherings. I know God is close by and He loves me and hears my prayers. It is amazing! Yet the battle within rages on: spirit vs. flesh. So this has forced me to look further into this delima of mine. Although I am facing a battle that is physical -- the effects of toxic chemo poison in my body, I face another battle. The spiritual. The one that is not against flesh and blood. The one fought in the heavenly realms.

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but the sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Wh0 will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
Romans 7:13-25

To understand what I am going to write it imperative we are all on the same page. So for my greek minded friends and hermaneutaical experts here is my attempt at Biblical exposition. I am by no means an "expert" just a student seeking the truth...

It seems that I am faced more often than not - with choices. I can choose to be controlled by the law (flesh) or the law of the Spirit. If I set my mind on what the Spirit desires then peace abounds, but if my mind is set apart from the Spirit then chaos ensues. I can live in the Spirit or not. The choice is mine. The perplexity of this deepens as I ponder the wonder of how Christ set me free from the law of sin and death. The answer is contained in the cross. Here I find the Spirit of Sonship, a loving Father, privilege to be called a child of the King and co-heir of Christ. The chains are gone! I have been set free! With all these glorious benefits I get something else --the privilege of sharing in his sufferings so that I may share in his glory. So now it is making sense to me. The battle I face both in the physical and spiritual is for His glory. My present sufferings are not worth comparing to what is to come (future, as in heaven) but, what He is doing right now in me. What He is revealing to me now as I fight this battle before me. He has blessed me with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3) and equipped me to fight (Ephesians 6:10-18). So why do I find myself struggling? I must be continually filled with the Spirit in order to live in the Spirit. This requires work. (Galatians 5:16-18) This is not easy when the body (flesh) is not willing or when the Spirit wants to run and hide. According the Beth More, "The more we are filled with the Spirit, the more faith we can possess." I like that! I could use some more faith...without faith it is impossible to please God. I can ask God to increase my faith and confess my unbelief only to have Him grow my faith and stretch me even further. So I find myself on the doorstep of His courts. Thanking Him for the faith He has given me thus far and asking for an increase to make it even farther.
"Open the gates of righteousness; I will enter and give thanks to the Lord." Psalm 118:19
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

A Surprise Visit

I am learning to role with the changes that fall upon my path these days. Last week was hard to swallow in the sense that I had to wait to see if the WBC would return to a higher level. I was disappointed initially but then remembered God's word...my ways are not your ways...My plans are better. Then I was thinking to myself and realized that we have family in town I will get to enjoy visiting with them more and eating! What could be better. Having Duane and Karen Luehrs around for the week was fabulous. I was able to rest (a little) in between shopping and playing my guitar (thanks Duane!).
I also have on my calender a speaking engagement for a women's retreat the second weekend in September (9-11) for Stonecroft Ministries. This is something that I was asked to do back in December 2010. Of course the ladies are all aware of my health situation and are praying earnestly for my ability to be present. Having my chemo treatment week changed puts the retreat on an "off" week of chemo. This is a huge answer to prayer! God works in wondrous ways. It looks like I will be able to go and speak at the retreat! So at this point in the week I am feeling high and up on the clouds, thanking God for His amazing way of turning not so good news into great news. As if it couldn't get any better...my phone rings. It is Dave Fabarez, my youth pastor during High School days in San Diego. He and his wife just happen to be in Boise, celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and want to stop by. WOW! So for 2 hours they are sitting in my house just visiting. What a nice surprise! In the midst of overcoming low WBC, GI issues and no appetite the Lord in His great mercy and compassion took notice of my situation and blessed me. He brought me comfort with family and friends. People who care about me and are fun to be around. It's all a matter of perspective. I am choosing to find things around me to be thankful for and celebrate them when they cross my path. God desires to give good gifts to his children. He delivers on His promise!
"How great is your goodness which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you. In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues. Praise be to the Lord, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city." Psalm 31:19-21