A New Song

What a glorious day! Oh how I wish you all could have seen the sunrise this morning. It was beautiful. Well today is my first Chemotherapy treatment. So much could be said about that...but I am confident in my my hope in Christ. He is Sovereign. He knew this day was going to happen before I was formed. How wonderful are His ways. His faithfulness will be my shield. I find my rest in Him. If God created everything (and I believe He did) then everything belongs to Him. It is not mine to control. So I am reminded again to release my desire to be in control. I am letting go, again.

A new song is developing...not sure what it will sound like or look like. He is at work. I am so grateful for your prayers. They uphold me and give me great encouragement. It is good to be near the Lord. He is my refuge. I will remain restless until I find rest in Him. So I wait upon Him...

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever." Psalm 73:25-26

Pondering this morning:
Psalm 27
Psalm 91
Matthew 5
Philippians 4
Romans 12:1-2
Hebrews 11

Continue to pray. Pray with out ceasing.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. Colossians 3:15

Rough Waters

An English idiom states, "when it rains it pours". Simple translation:It hasn't happened for a long time , and then it happens all at once. It's like a Dam breaking loose and Murphy's law takes over and everything that can go wrong does. It's when the storms of life seem to come over you in rapid succession with no break and no end in sight. Can anyone relate to this? I just wanted to share how I deal with this in my life. On the outside, all my circumstances are huge storms, waves crashing over the side of my boat. It is like the story of the disciples who after a long day of ministry (remember the feeding of the 5,000?) got in their boat and right away faced adversity. Isn't that how it is? The victory comes and right on it's heals is a test. In Matthew 14:22-32 we learn about how Peter overlooks the circumstances surrounding him in his boat. The wind had come up and was sending waves crashing about the disciples boat. Jesus had excused himself to be alone to pray. So He was not with them on the boat. Peter and the others were afraid. Fear. Oh how fear can rob you of your faith. Peter learns it is Jesus walking on the water. So he calls out if it is you, let me come. So Peter walks on water. Wow. His eyes are fixed solely on Jesus. He does not even notice the waves at first. It's all about Jesus. But that fear sneaks in and steals his attention, causing Peter to move His eyes to look around at his circumstances: walking on water in the middle of a windy storm with huge waves crashing around him! Fear.
Two main things here that the Lord has showed me. We never know when storms are going to pop up in our life. We were told by Jesus that we would have trouble in this world (John 16:33). First, we must excuse ourselves from the busyness of life to pray. This is a holy disciple. A trained habit that can only be learned. I truly mean pray. Not empty religious repetition, but heartfelt conversation with the Lord. Second we must keep our eyes on Jesus. If we can do these two things when things are going well for us then when the storms come we will be "prayed up". This means that fear will not overtake us. We will be ready to stand firm on His Word and resist the temptation to be afraid, to be overwhelmed by the storms of life. The waters are rough for me right now. It seems like nothing is going right. But God, has ultimate control and sovereignty in my life. I will choose to look to Him and put my faith in Him. Ephesians6:18-19 "Pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep praying for all the saints." Stand with me and pray through the rough waters...

A Date

My chemotherapy start date has been set for Wednesday July 13th!

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Very thankful for the timing on this. It works best for our family with Daniel's schedule for the vet clinic.

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16

Ocean of Love

My journal entry for July 2nd, 2011 -- in San Diego, CA with my family on the beach!

Standing at the oceans edge brings to surface many deep thoughts. My mind races all over. Mostly it makes me ponder the mighty power of God and your relentless love. As the waves keep coming, crashing over my feet, tide running in then out, a pulling I can feel. The same pulling, nagging in my heart. It's an awareness to your presence. So strong, with a tight grip I feel you. It's that crazy jealous love. Rushing over me like the waves on the sand. Nothing can hold back the waves. Nothing can stop the force behind them. With the sand beneath my toes, I sink into the ground, bracing for another swell to hit. It is cold. Yet it is refreshing to my mind, my heart and my spirit. It awakens me once again. Reminding me of you power and ultimate control in all things. My life, my situation, you cause the oceans to stay with in their boundaries, you know the deepest depths of the sea. So it is with me. You know my limits -- my boundaries. You know what lies deep with in me. Oh how you love me, I am completely and utterly overwhelmed. Such love I do not deserve, yet you freely gave it to me. I thank you for saving me, for letting your grace wash over me like a wave. Washing me clean and carrying my sins far far away cast into the depths of the sea, never to be remembered anymore. Such love is too marvelous so hard to grasp...I will lean not on my own understanding. Yet I know it is real. It wells up with in me, now overflowing. I can not help but give it away.
Enjoy a favorite song of mine...Oh How He Loves!

Waiting for the Eagle's Flight

I guess you could say I have had bloggers block. What to write? Finally with much thought and prayer I came upon something I wanted to share. It has do do with waiting. This has been a constant theme in my life for the past 3 months. Waiting for something to change in my circumstances, waiting for a Doctor's appointment, waiting for results from a test, waiting for answers to questions nobody seems to have. Hurry up and wait. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit...it takes time develop into fruit.
What does waiting on the Lord truly mean? I have pondered this in my heart often, more so lately than ever. What does this look like on the inside and outside of my heart? Psalm 33:20 -22 "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. may your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord even as we put our hope in you." During our waiting we remember the promises He has made to us. These are the promises in the Word. He is our help, our shield. Our shield of faith. This shield is able to put out the fiery darts of the enemy. It takes discipline to learn how to best use this shield. The battlefield of the mind is a treacherous one. Conquering ones mind is a daily moment by moment choice. 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We demonlish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." This of course is easier said than done. But, I guarantee that if you put your mind to it you will have success in this department of holding up a shield of faith. I have found this to be true.
In our waiting we can also have joy! We can praise His name. Psalm 118:1 "Give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his love endures forever." We praise Him because we can trust Him, so we surrender. We praise Him because He is Holy, so we come before Him righteous only by the blood of Christ. His unfailing love speaks so loudly to me. This is His eternal covenant with me. I must continually remind myself of His love for me. It is a jealous love He has for me.
The text in Isiah 40 is so powerful, so inspiring to me. If you have time, read the entire passage. It has a long list of rhetorical questions that the prophet Isiah is asking. I love that the rhetorical questions all point to God. Understanding how big, powerful and mighty God is takes some pondering. He is the creator, speaking stars into existence by name...every star has a name (verse 26). I could choose right now with my health situation to complain to God. just like the Isrealites who chose to say our ways are hidden from God...he doesn't see me. No, God is the God who sees, El Roi, He sees me and knows me. Isiah goes on to say He is the Everlasting God, El Olam, the one who created the ends of the earth. Now it gets interesting to me, insight into the character of God. He does not get tired. He does not grow weary, we can not understand His ways. Yet He chooses to give us His strength and power when we are weary and weak. It is the solution to the rhetorical questions of Isiah: since God created everything, I am weak before Him, then I must find my strength and power in Him alone. Alas, we arrive at the popular verses 30-31 "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Hope. It is beacuse of the hope we have in Him. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." My hope is in His word, his promises to me. I will wait in expectation for God to fulfill His promises to me found in His Word. This is why I pray scripture. Where there is no promise I can not pray in faith. I can only pray for what God has promised me in His Word. The power of my prayer is not in the prayer itself but in the power of an Almighty creator God. Therefore I will continue to pray in faith based on his Word. Placing my hope in Him. For when I wait on Him He will renew my strength and I will soar like the Eagle. This is what is looks like to wait upon the Lord.

Season of Dormancy

A common prayer I muster is found in Psalms 90:10, "Teach me Lord to number my days that I may gain a heart of wisdom." This helps me keep balance in a crazy schedule. It's like feeling pressure from outside sources to perform under some magical stage light. It's the notion in our culture to BE everything to everyone. To BE the perfect wife, mother, witness, student, worshiper, prayer warrior etc. It hit me like a ton of bricks one day...this whole ordeal of now having cancer--teach me Lord to number my days-- flashes of a shortened life, deep questions of why me, reflections on past choices I have made all flooding my mind. And then His still small voice pierced through all my raging thoughts like a tidal wave. He spoke to me about Seasons of Life. That this Season would be different. That this Season would be a about dormancy. Many of you know about my love for plants. I studied botany in college for those who did not know this about me. Anyway I had a very clear vision from the Lord about this Season I have entered. It is a picture of a fruit tree in it's dormant season. I understand this is a time of rest. The fruit tree's job during dormancy is below the surface, naked to the human eye. To the Father it is sinking it's roots deep into the ground in search of water and nutrients. It also is a time to deepen my roots and search for the Living Water. Psalm 1:2-3, "But his delight is in the law of the Lord and on his law he meditate day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water which yields it fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." This has been a favorite passage to me, I love the picture and rich symbolism. So I know that this Season of resting is about personal growth -- a thirst for water to nourish my soul. Psalm 42:1, "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God." There is more. What is the fruit tree preparing for? Another season of fruit! The tree is storing all these nutrients and water so it can produce new nodes, buds, develop leaves and blossoms. The good gardener will come and prune just before the buds appear...giving new shape to the fruit tree. I had to take a deep breath at this point. I know the Master gardener comes to prune away things of my heart, getting rid of character flaws, showing me where I am unlike Him. John 15:1-2, "I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." It is this process of pruning that can be painful...the word suffering comes to mind. The fruit tree blossoms are fragrant and beautiful to look at. Do I really want to trade my sorrows for dancing and praise? Isn't God in the business of turning ashes into beauty? Spring will certainly come. Seasons only last for a while. During this season of dromancy it is my hope and prayer to rest in Him, to learn more about myself and to enjoy this Season.

The Dance

I wanted to share with all who will be following my blog a daily habit I have learned. First though I must warn you with this disclaimer: IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. So you are warned...This is my fourth year reading The Year Through the Bible for women. I am not one of those that sets an exact time every day and reads my Bible for 30 minutes and then prays for another 30 minutes. I do my best to read daily and pray with out ceasing. Sometimes it is the early mornings, sometimes it is late at night when all have gone to bed. Or it might be the middle of the day when I feel drawn to spend time with the Lord. I say all this just to make it clear that I am in no way perfect...just striving for the abundant life. I like to refer to this as The Dance. It is being keenly aware of your personal spiritual condition, having the ability to recognize when you need to retreat. This practice of reading (a holy discipline) has caused me to hunger and thirst for the Living Word in a fierce way. I have discovered these last four years to put into practice four disciplines:

1. Simplify
   
2. Silence
3. Solitude
4. Surrender

These are taken from a book called "Intimacy With the Almighty" by Charles Swindoll. If you begin on this journey of reading the Word on a daily basis I can almost guarantee that these four disciplines will follow.

It is my desire to share on this blog what the Lord is speaking to me through reading His Word on a daily basis. I enjoy journaling my thoughts, problems, fears and conversations I have with the Lord. Over time these writings have become precious to me. I enjoy reading over them and remembering the things the Lord has done and spoken to me. (Psalm 77:11-12) This is important to note because sometimes His voice is so quiet it is hard to hear. This is when I begin to doubt Him, I let fear creep in and rob me of the victorious life. I move from the spiritual to the natural and let my flesh rule untamed. So I have learned to remember what the Lord has done. I believe this is something the Lord told the Israelite's many times to do...stones of remembrance so they could tell their children and their children's children. (Joshua 4) This is a natural progression for me. This season of life for me, living with cancer, facing chemotherapy, all the unknowns...I need to remember what He has done for me. I hope you too can remember ALL he has done for us.

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved."
Ephesians 2:4-5

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:16