The Brick Wall

Remember we are on that Bear Hunt? You know the one where we have to go through the tall grass, the river, the mud, and eventually the cave where the home of the bear is at. The journey of cancer. I’m still on that trek. Maybe at a detour now. I’ve hit a brick wall along the journey. I’m staring at this path before me

of poison laden chemotherapy treatments and possible allergic reactions that carry short and long term side effects. This is no joking matter. These decisions are so hard. No decision is still a decision. But I’m at a stand still, deadlock, brick wall. 

My first round of chemotherapy didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped. I had an allergic reaction to one of the drugs called Doxataxcel. This resulted in a rash on my chest, neck, and face. I have also discovered I’m sensitive to taking the steroid medication that is supposed to help prevent/ lesson reactions for chemotherapy. A very common side effect is having elevated glucose levels. With all this information it is concerning to me as to what might happen on the next treatment. There is no way to predict what will happen. I can only take the information I have and try to make a decision based on previous experiences. This is why I’m at a brick wall. Do the benefits of chemotherapy outweigh the risks? Will the rash happen again? Will it be more widespread? Will it go away over time? What about the steroids and the stress it puts on the endocrine system? Lots of questions with no clear immediate answers.

I’m reminded what a good friend once told me about decision making. She said put the facts on the table, leave your emotions in your heart. This is easier said than done. I’m going to do like the King of Judah, Hezekiah did in the Old Testament when King Sennacherib sent his spokesman to mock the God of the Israelites. Verbally this spokesperson bashed their God by insulting His ability to be faithful. This spokesperson who doesn’t even have a name used words to intimidate the people and King Hezekiah. Isn’t this how the enemy works? Subtly placing doubts in our minds about how great our God is.

• Will you be rescued?
• Where is this God?
• Don’t rely on him.
• You will be handed over
• Did he really promise?

Not only did King Sennacherib send the spokesperson he also sent a letter with all this written out. So how did Hezekiah respond? Like the advice from my friend —he laid the facts out on the table— literally. Don’t miss this. He took the letter, read it, and immediately went to the house of the Lord and laid it before God. Then he started praying. Hard core, specific and simple words. 

• Listen 
• Hear
• Open your eyes
• See
• Save us

Ultimately Hezekiah’s prayer was to bring glory to God. He knew that God was able to rescue them from the mighty army of the Assyrian’s. Bigger than that was that all these nations needed to see that the Israelites God was God alone. 

Regardless of my decision to move forward with another round of chemotherapy or not, my hope is that God is glorified in me and through my actions. I’m laying it all down before Him. Praying. Praying. Praying. 

Do you know how the story ends for Hezekiah and the Israelites? Of course they win the battle. But it’s in the way they won that clearly demonstrates Gods power and ability to o do what He wants and how He wants. God sent an Angel at night that struck down 185,000 dead. King Sennacherib packed up and went home. No questions as to who did what— God alone. 

If you want to read more about this story in the Bible you can find it in 2 Kings 18 & 19.  

No hair and I don’t care!

I’ve pushed back my second round of chemotherapy to  Wednesday, July 27. Needing a clear answer and peace with the decision. I have to decide by Monday  July, 25 in order to have pre-meds on hand.  So once again I’m laying the facts on the table before the Lord and trying to keep my emotions tucked away in my heart.  Solo Gloria. 

Going Through the Storm

What do you do when the only option is to go through the storm? Have you ever been driving along and a storm pops up? You are stuck either on the side of the road or you choose to go through the storm. The dark black clouds loom low to the ground and the rain starts to fall obstructing your vision in front of you. You keep moving because you don't want a car from behind you to run into you, but you are cautious as you move forward not knowing what lies ahead. As you pass through the storm everything around you fades into shades of gray, a big blur, and loud pounding on the windshield and roof of your vehicle. Will it end soon? Thunderstorms typically don't last that long and are moving rapidly. Just like the storms of life that last mere moments or seasons. I'm learning that some storms in life you don't get to choose to go through, they choose you.

Photo By: Stacey Beam

Photo By: Stacey Beam

Have you ever been on a bear hunt? Maybe a deer or turkey hunt? Hunting is one of those tricky outdoor hobbies that require a bit of skill and luck to bring home the trophy prize. My experiences with hunting are somewhat limited.  I’m a beginner and have only lived here in Missouri for almost five years. I’m learning about how to hunt the wildlife in the Ozarks. I enjoy being out in the woods, breathing the forest air, and observing the flora, fauna, and wildlife around me.  It is a peaceful time of sitting in silence from human noise, absorbing the surroundings, and tuning into the sounds of nature.  It can be physically demanding to find the perfect location due to terrain and weather conditions.  The time of year typically is in the fall and sometimes it is warm or downright freezing cold.  The wind can be your friend or foe. There is great anticipation built up to the hunt itself.  So much preparation goes into sacking the big one.   

I’m reminded of a pre-school song “I’m Going on a Bear Hunt, Gonna Catch a Big One.” You may be familiar with the catchy tune. If not check out my link to the song.  

I’m going on a bear hunt of my own.  Well not for a real bear.  The bear of cancer. Defeating the big, scary bear.  I keep repeating the line from the song, "I’m not afraid!” Mentally repeating the phrase and replacing it with scripture.

Philippians 4:4-8 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable --if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy -- dwell on these things."

Romans 8:18 " For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us."

John 16:33 " I have told you these things so that in me you have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world."

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound mind."

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace."

Isaiah 43:2 " I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. You will not be scorched when you walk through the fire, and the flame will not burn."

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

In the song, "Going on a Bear Hunt" there are several obstacles encountered before arriving at the cave of the bear. For me, I feel like there have been many obstacles along this journey with breast cancer. Most of which are completely out of my control. The thing I keep repeating to myself is to keep perspective, keep calm, keep hoping, and keep fighting. I don't have understanding or answers, but I know the One who does.

Obstacle one – the grass

Do you ever find yourself looking at what other people have that you don't have? Maybe it seems like the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence? I'm talking about playing that comparison game. You know the one where you scroll through social media, stopping at the pictures of friends on these vacations, or the perfectly posed family photos like Joanna & Chip Gaines? Yeah, I want to be like that, but deep down I'm not. This constant comparison is exhausting. It robs you of joy and replaces your feelings of security with doubts and what-if questions. It is dangerous. When you walk through tall grass or brush in the woods it is very important to watch your step. Hidden in the path may be snakes. Sounds a bit like how the devil wants to trip us up in our thinking--yep the grass sure is green over there. Don't fall for this lie. The devil is keen and cutting. He is crouched like a lion ready to pounce on the prey moving in the tall grass. If the devil can get to us by using mind games to get us thinking we don't compare and measure up against others he wins. We have to win the game in our minds and take control of the negative and degrading self-talk we often partake in. It tends to be in the realm of social media where it runs rampant. Check yourself -- make sure the grass is kept short around you. Remove those distractions, know your boundaries, and call out for help if you get lost in the tall grass. We may look at those pictures and think, wow they have it together. The real reality is those pictures don't say it all. True they may be on vacation once again this summer but you don't know the full story. You are assuming the information you don't have. It may look like life is going along just fine. But under the air-brushed photos and piles of unpaid bills and sleepless nights of loneliness are other Moms wishing their life was like yours. Really we don't want to trade places with anyone. But sometimes we want to because life just seems unfair. My summer certainly isn't going the way I had planned. I'm making the most of it, regardless of a cancer diagnosis and needing chemotherapy. I'm not hiding out in the tall grass wishing I was someone else. This is my path and the enemy better move along. SWISH. SWISH. SWISH.

Obstacle two – the river

Water can be very deceiving. The river may look calm and slow-moving on the surface, but underneath it is swiftly moving with currents. Sometimes in life, it seems like we are drowning in a river of regrets. We made bad choices or worse someone we love made a bad choice and now life is messed up. I see it over and over again. The brokenness of families ruins confidence and confuses young children as to what true love is. We end up drowning in a sea of broken promises, confusion, anger, depression, and bitterness. The river for me seems to be this constant battle with my health. Maybe for you, it is finances or relationship woes. It really doesn't matter what the issue is we can all relate to this feeling of water rising to the point of sucking us down. We are trapped and figuratively drowning. Feeling like you are in over your head? Join the club! Rest assured the Father knows what we need even before we ask. Call to the one who can speak a Word to calm the seas in an instant. You might get wet in the process of getting out of the boat. Be okay with that. Life is hard. The struggle is real. SPLASH. SPLASH. SPLASH.

Obstacle three – the mud

Mud is messy. Life can be a real mess. It's not always easy and it certainly doesn't go the way I want it to go every time. Maybe you have never thought of mud as a medium for transformation. Certain types of soil produce clay.  Wet clay is very sticky and rolls like plasticine.  It is easy to mold and shape into the desired object. When it dries it is able to keep the shape of the object. Usually, the clay is put in a kiln and heated to very hot temperatures around 1,800 to 2,400 degrees Fahrenheit.  Does anyone else feel like it is hot in the trial? Like you are going to burn up or out? This is part of the process. Clay has to be molded. Whose job is that? The Bible gives the analogy of the Father being the Potter and we are the clay. In Isiah 64:8 "But now O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and You our potter; and we are the work of your hand." So all this mud and clay is the work of the Father. He is making us like Him as we go through the hardships in life. He is molding, shaping, breaking, creating, over and over again in each of us a perfectly unique you and me.  Just like Peter wrote, "Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try to you, as though some strange thing happened to you;  but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy." 1 Peter 4:12-13 The mud may be messy but God is making something beautiful out of it.  SQUISH. SQUISH. SQUISH.

We can't go over it

We can't go around it.

We can't go over it.

We must go through it.

That is what Jesus wants us to do -- go through the grass, river, and mud -- He is with us every step.

HEALTH UPDATE

Monday, June, 27 I will be having outpatient surgery to place the power port for chemotherapy.  This will be done in West Plains. On Tuesday I have a planned visit up in St. Louis along with a bone density scan.  On Wednesday I begin my treatments for chemotherapy. We are coordinating the chemotherapy with my oncologist here in West plains to make travel trips less.  I am very thankful we have that option. All of my 4 chemotherapy treatments will be done locally here in West Plains. I am very eager to get this going.  The quicker we can start the quicker I can be done! Please pray that my labs are all "normal" and comply with the protocols for receiving chemotherapy.  I will try to update as I can.  I know that while receiving chemotherapy you feel rather groggy due to all of the medications you are receiving. Praying no major side effects and allergic reactions occur. 

I have had several reach out and want to know how they can help my family.  If you can get ahold of anyone at New Hope Baptist Church that would be a great place to start.  You can always message me and I can relay the message. Thank you again for text messages, calls, Facebook messages, and cards.  You are all so amazing and I'm blessed to have a wonderful support family.

Facing the Tough Decisions

Indecision. Feeling stuck. Fork in the road. Right or left.  Up or down. Choosing to not make a decision is paralyzing, agonizing, and plain exhausting. I have spent some time in this camp lately. Gathering all my information to build a case for or against chemotherapy has been the hardest decision I have had to make.  Ultimately it comes down to faith.  Do I trust in the God of the universe who created the heavens and earth and holds my life in His hands, or do I trust in myself to pick what is best? I have been wrestling this out between the voices in my head and the dozens of pieces of papers from the doctor's office, google search tabs of breast cancer articles, notecards filled with scripture verses, and an abundance of cards/notes from friends and family. I've heard from many of you offering prayers and words of encouragement. I can't tell you how important each one of you is to me. 

I have prayed for clarity, wisdom, and direction. My prayers were confirmed Wednesday evening. I was tying to justly a 2-3% in my favor or against my favor. On Wednesday night I went to bed with my decision made: No chemotherapy.  I had weighed my options. Reasoned the pros and cons of partaking in the poison cocktail club and firmly announced to myself, nope not going to happen this time.  I was ok with this. I honestly thought the side effects and potential risks involved outweighed the benefits of doing the treatments. But God had other plans...

On Friday afternoon my oncologist doctor called.  There was a clerical error in the final pathology report she wanted to clarify and have corrected.  I agreed.  It was regarding how many lymph nodes were taken and tested.  There were 3, and all 3 tested negative for cancer.  This is good news and didn't change anything we knew.  She wanted to repeat a previously completed study using a piece of tissue that had not been used for another testing.  She was wanting to confirm the hormone status of my type of cancer as well and just ordered a repeat on that.  It is not as common to have lobular carcinoma in situ with only estrogen positive.  Typically you would see both estrogen and progesterone positive and she wanted to confirm my data.  She also wanted run the Ki-67 test once again.  This test is commonly used to measure the cellular proliferation (how fast cells are dividing) of the breast cancer tissue.

SCIENCE CONTENT WARNING (I know I love this stuff, maybe you do too!)

Ki-67 assessment is probably the best known.  A monoclonal antibody is used for IHC (immunohistological) staining of the proliferation-association nuclear protein Ki-67 in tumor cells to determine the percentage of Ki-67 positive cells among the total population of tumor cells in formalin-fixed paraffin-embedded sections contained from a core-cut biopsy sample, this is the Ki-67 index.

Tumors are classified as having a high or low Ki-67 index based on a prespecified cutoff.  Tumors with a high Ki-67 index have a larger number of proliferating cells and are therefore likely to grow more quickly. A score of greater than 30% of tumor cells showing staining compared to malignant cells is considered high. Breast cancers that are ER-positive (estrogen receptor) can be classified into two molecular subtype groups: Luminal A and Luminal B. Typically Luminal A tumors have a lower rate of proliferation than Luminal B tumors. This means Luminal B tumors are more aggressive types of cancer. About 85 percent of breast cancers are ductal carcinomas, while 11.4 percent are lobular carcinomas, according to a study published in the Annals of Medicine and Surgery. More than three-quarters of lobular carcinomas fall into the luminal A and triple-negative tumor category.

The results came back confirming what we previously knew -- ER-positive only.  But the Ki-67 test confirmed again with a high index value greater than 30% of cells stained were present.  She also mentioned that the subtypes were present and that indication "heightens" the aggressiveness of my lobular carcinoma breast cancer.  She went on to say that she is changing her suggestion of adjuvant chemotherapy to recommending I really need to do this. Big sigh. Deep breathe. You got this! Ok, so what you are saying is even though...

• 3 out of 3 lymph nodes negative
• Stage 1
• Clear Margins from DBMX
• Grade 3
• ER + / PR -
• Oncotype score 18
• Ki-67 <30%
• Lobular carcinoma in situ (LCIS)

So we need to partake in chemotherapy? Yes, I'm so sorry. So my decision became clear. I am to do chemotherapy. The data doesn't lie. 

The plan now is to coordinate doing chemotherapy here in West Plains for the sanity of myself and my husband.  Driving to St. Louis is a long drive and the price of fuel is not helping! I am so glad that Siteman will work with my local oncology doctor here in West Plains. I will have more information soon as to when all of this will begin.  I will do 4 treatments, 3 weeks apart. We will be placing a power port to receive chemotherapy IV directly. When this begins will depend on scheduling and getting insurance lined out.  I have every intention to continue working each day for as long as possible. I know that some days that just may not happen. I am so grateful for wonderful teacher friends and administration who are willing to support me and give me time to take care of myself.  

On Saturday my church family rallied together to support me with a benefit event.  Everyone went all out. I am so grateful for the kindness and generosity of my friends at New Hope Baptist Church and the many local businesses that donated items to help raise money.  You all know who you are and I love you!

Now I will begin to prepare myself for the battle ahead. So how do you tackle the monster you are dreading? Put one foot in front of the other — and walk toward the impossible water. Drench yourself in Hope. Get out of the boat and walk on the water.   The only way forward is to step into your sea — because you’ll drown in despair if you don’t follow Hope Himself forward.  The road may look uncertain. I know who goes with me. I will be brave. 

You Make Me Brave

Bethel Music, Amanda Cook

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter into

Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

'Cause you make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Amanda Cook

You Make Me Brave lyrics © Bethel Music Publishing

When All You Want in Life is the Easy Button

It has been a while since I last posted. This journey has been rough, to say the least. The waiting is long and even when a test result comes back, it is not definitive. It just seems like the information keeps coming. It's a case of probabilities that may or may not be in my favor. It is hard. All my heart wants is to press the big fat red easy button and for it to all be over with. Get my life back to "normal." The problem is there is no such thing. There is no such button you or I can push to alleviate the hard in life. We all have hard. It just might come in different packages for each of us. I want to be in control. It is a reminder that I am not, and frankly, I really don't want to be. I just don't want the hard stuff. There is a purpose in the hard. Without the hard in life, we would have no need for faith, no need for a savior. Jesus said, "In this world, you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33 We are given a promise from the very lips of Jesus: you will have hard things in life (trials). Did you catch that? Not if you have trials, but you will have trials. Notice the preposition: BUT. The good news is followed right after that little word: but. It's a direct order, a command to "be" meaning to take action (verb) with something we can control within each of us. It is your attitude. Be of good cheer means having a good attitude, having self-control, choose joy in the midst of a hard circumstance or situation. Then we get the reminder that Jesus has a plan and in the end, He wins. I have a poster in my classroom I made. It reads, "Two things you can control, 1) attitude, 2) effort." I am constantly telling my students in the classroom that they are responsible in life for their attitudes about someone or something. They are also responsible for how much effort they want to apply themselves to complete tasks. This covers literally all issues we teachers face in the classroom today. I personally like to reward students who demonstrate excellent attitudes and give measurable effort despite a poor grade. I have found that an optimistic/positive attitude is directly related to the effort level. Guess what, it works every time. If attitude can be "coached" and a student is willing to make some mental changes and try harder to apply himself or herself the sky is the limit. I have witnessed some students do amazing things they didn't think were possible of achieving. I'm trying to listen to my own words and give myself a pep talk.

I am pondering some hard decisions regarding my future treatments. I haven't reported much lately because I really don't know what to say. At first, I thought with the stage of 1 Breast cancer and clear margins and no lymph nodes positive meant I was in the clear -- no chemotherapy necessary. More test results have shown strong indications that chemotherapy would be advantageous for my type of cancer. I have a very aggressive form of breast cancer (LCIS with ICS). They did catch it in its early stage. When you combine all laboratory pathology, genetic testing, and future predicting breast cancer testing all the numbers point to adjuvant chemotherapy along with hormone therapy for lower reoccurrence rates. When combined together the numbers significantly go down as far as the likelihood of reoccurrence over the next 9 years. The hardest part is the doctor is just giving me all this information and wants me to decide what I would like to do. I can just do the hormone therapy alone, or I can do both chemotherapy and hormone therapy. The easiest way to explain it is like this: Based on a huge study (TailorX) the data can be applied to my situation like this, out of 100 women 12 are more likely to have a reoccurrence. So 88% chance it is not coming back. If I add in the hormone therapy it increases that percentage to about 94%. If I add in the chemotherapy regiment, it adds another 2-3%, at about 96%. This is a prediction. Not a guarantee.  I could do nothing more and take my chances that I am not one of the twelve. I could do all of the above and still have something come back in the next few years.  The choice is mine. No pressure. Now you see why I want an easy button. I've been here before. Having to face chemotherapy before is not something anyone wants to undergo. I have had conversations with God about this all ready being on the "not to do ever again bucket list," and here we are again on the doorstep of staring at the beast of chemotherapy. This is not on my bucket list, again! So the decision has to be made on what direction to go for treatment. I choose to seek medical treatment at the Siteman Cancer Center because it is one of the best cancer treatment facilities in the US and maybe the world. I wanted expert minds to review and advise what is best in my situation. I have prayed. I have waited and waited. I am wrestling with my scientific self who says, yeah do the chemotherapy for that extra 2-3% decrease in reoccurrence over the next 9 years. But my heart is just not in it. Is it worth the stress my body will have to endure? Is it worth the rearrangement of my schedule? My husband's schedule? My kid's schedule? What about the side effects both short-term and long-term? It is well known that some chemotherapy drugs do in fact cause or lead to other types of cancer. We all know that the purpose of undergoing chemotherapy is to kill cancer cells. The problem is the chemo drugs can't distinguish which cells are possibly cancerous and which ones are healthy.

 My oncologist doctor is recommending Cylcophoshamide, trade name Cytoxan, and Docetaxel, trade name Taxotere. This would require 4 treatments over a 12-week period. It is an aggressive dose in a short amount of time. 

Technical Information (From Chemocare.com): 

Cancerous tumors are characterized by cell division, which is no longer controlled as it is in normal tissue. "Normal" cells stop dividing when they come into contact with like cells, a mechanism known as contact inhibition. Cancerous cells lose this ability. Cancer cells no longer have the normal checks and balances in place that control and limit cell division. The process of cell division, whether normal or cancerous cells, is through the cell cycle. The cell cycle goes from the resting phase, through active growing phases, and then to mitosis (division). The ability of chemotherapy to kill cancer cells depends on its ability to halt cell division. Usually, the drugs work by damaging the RNA or DNA that tells the cell how to copy itself in the division. If the cells are unable to divide, they die. The faster the cells are dividing, the more likely it is that chemotherapy will kill the cells, causing the tumor to shrink. They also induce cell suicide (self-death or apoptosis). Chemotherapy drugs that affect cells only when they are dividing are called cell-cycle specific. Chemotherapy drugs that affect cells when they are at rest are called cell-cycle non-specific. The scheduling of chemotherapy is set based on the type of cells, the rate at which they divide, and the time at which a given drug is likely to be effective. This is why chemotherapy is typically given in cycles. Unfortunately, chemotherapy does not know the difference between cancerous cells and normal cells. Chemotherapy will kill all cells that are rapidly dividing. The "normal" cells most commonly affected by chemotherapy are the blood cells, the cells in the mouth, stomach and bowel, are the hair follicles; resulting in low blood counts, mouth sores, nausea, diarrhea, and/or hair loss. Different drugs may affect different parts of the body. Cyclophosphamide is classified as an alkylating agent. Alkylating agents are most active in the resting phase of the cell. These drugs are cell-cycle non-specific. There are several types of alkylating agents. Docetaxel belongs to a class of chemotherapy drugs called plant alkaloids. Plant alkaloids are made from plants. The vinca alkaloids are made from the periwinkle plant (catharanthus rosea). The taxanes are made from the bark of the Pacific Yew tree (taxus). The vinca alkaloids and taxanes are also known as antimicrotubule agents. The podophyllotoxins are derived from the May apple plant. Camptothecan analogs are derived from the Asian "Happy Tree" (Camptotheca acuminata). Podophyllotoxins and camptothecan analogs are also known as topoisomerase inhibitors. The plant alkaloids are cell-cycle specific. This means they attack the cells during various phases of division. Antimicrotubule agents (such as docetaxel), inhibit the microtubule structures within the cell. Microtubules are part of the cell's apparatus for dividing and replicating itself. Inhibition of these structures ultimately results in cell death. During chemotherapy, the idea is to rid the body of the cancer cells and try to keep you going. It is horrible. The chemotherapy cocktail is specific for each cancer patient. There are medications given to help alleviate and make unpleasant symptoms milder and easier to manage. I remember it like yesterday. Every time I brush my teeth it reminds me of chemotherapy. I had a big issue personally with how my mouth tasted during chemo last time. I wanted to brush my teeth all the time. The only problem was it made me gag. I know maybe that is TMI! But seriously the struggle was real, daily. 

I'm going for a walk again. Time to get to the bottom of this and make a decision. I appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement. I know this was a lot of information. It is for my brain and my heart. I have cried a lot. I am so torn. I do not have peace in my heart. I am asking God to give me clarity, wisdom, and the courage to walk boldly in the direction I am to go. I will continue to wrestle this out like Jacob. All through the night, Jacob wrestled a man. He wouldn't let the man go. He wanted a blessing. He wanted to know His name. He knew enough to give the man a name himself after not being able to win the battle all night long. Peniel-meaning I have seen God face to face. And the man touched Jacob's hip socket.  This took Jacob's ability to run away, physically and literally.  No more running. He changed Jacob's name to Israel. Meaning he contended with God.  He went from Jacob, meaning laughter to fighter or contender. I want in on what Jacob learned that night. God is in the business of not letting go. He wants to bless us. I'm a fighter a contender.  What about you? Nothing easy about it.

Kari Jobe  with Elevation Worship -- The Blessing

If you are local here in Missouri there will be a benefit event on my behalf on Saturday, June 11th at New Hope Baptist Church in Peace Valley (7908 CR 1790 WP 65775). It is from 3 pm to 7 pm.  There will be food and a silent auction. If you are unable to attend and want to help out privately message me and I'll get you the information.

Eleven Years Ago Today

VBS at CCB 2012

Eleven years ago my life was forever changed by the diagnosis of colon cancer. It was Friday, May 13th. Just like today only eleven years later, Friday, May 13th. The last eleven years have been jam-packed with purposeful living. Most of you know my story but in case you don't check out some of my previous year's blog posts. I have tried to look at life differently since knowing my colon cancer was stage 3.  I beat it. Eleven years colon cancer-free! So many highlights and stories to share of God's faithfulness to me personally and my family.  I was told that there would be a slim chance I could get pregnant once doing chemotherapy treatments.  They were wrong. Two years after treatments our prayers were answered with a little boy, Zachariah Josiah born in June of 2013  He is a joy! Our family farmed and ranched in Idaho for almost 13 years.  We bought land, and equipment, and built barns.  We were putting our roots down. We bought an old farmhouse and began fixing it up. Daniel had a very successful veterinary clinic that kept him busier than he wanted most days. We were committed and involved in ministry at Calvary Chapel Buhl.  God was using our love for kids in big ways. Children's Ministry had been my passion for close to eleven years.  Daniel began teaching Sunday School and serving as a church Elder.  We were homeschooling at the time and days were filled with constant learning activities. Life was grand. God had other plans.

JH Girls A Team Conference Champs

We began to sense God was preparing us to move. To make some life changes. In August of 2017, we made the move to Missouri.  It wasn't easy.  There is a lot to moving home, farm, clinic, cows, dogs, horses, etc. We arrived in Peace Valley full of expectations, yet not knowing exactly what our future lives would look like.  The bank account was depleted, and we weren't sure how we would make it the first year waiting for Spring when calves would be born and then waiting until the Fall to make a profit.  It's a good thing money really does grow on trees around here! We learned about logging and how some trees on our property could be harvested. We found a church home and slowly got to know a few neighbors. By the Fall of 2018, we were figuring out where to go shopping, how to drive on the roads, and how to fish for bass, croppie, and catfish. I decided to get back into substitute teaching and the boys went to public school in the Fall of 2018.  Daniel was busy on our place building or mending fences.  He did reluctantly get his veterinary license for the state of Missouri.  Since we arrived there has been a steady need for his large animal services. In 2019 Anna took a full-time position as a paraprofessional in SPED at Junction Hill and also agreed to coach girls basketball and cross country. It was great being at the same school with the boys each day. It was a great fit for our family. 

Dustin & Zac on a 45 year old tree

I decided to finish my teaching credentials when COVID-19 set in. I started the ABCTE program in the Spring of 2020.  It was one of those things that I told myself I really wanted to do but came up with every excuse not to do it. I graduated from college in 1999 with the intention of teaching. Again God had other plans and moved Daniel and me as newlyweds to Ames, IA for Daniel to attend Iowa State University College of Veterinary Medicine. In the late Spring of 2021, I passed all the exams and became a fully credentialed teacher in the state of Missouri! In the Fall of 2021, I started my dream job as an 8th-grade science teacher at Liberty Middle School. This school year has gone by so fast.  I have learned so much about teaching, myself, and about students! It has come also with its challenges. In late February I received news once again that I had cancer.  This time it was breast cancer.  

Working calves with Zac

Today I am 25 days post-double mastectomy surgery and recovering. Never would I have imagined another difficult road of battling cancer once again. But God had other plans. The prognosis is good so far. My official diagnosis is Breast Cancer stage 1 DCIS. I'm in that waiting period of recovery, healing, and more waiting. Maybe this is easier the second time around? I've told God many times, that this was not on the bucket list to do again. God has a funny sense of humor. I don't want to waste what I have learned over the last eleven years.  I have changed.  I have grown stronger, bolder, and yeah a little wiser (thanks to my gray hairs). My faith has sustained me. My husband has been with me every step of this crazy journey we call marriage.  Sickness and in health takes on a whole new meaning when you choose to love despite health woes. I can say this, it has all been worth it. I wouldn't trade any part of my story. It's a beautiful mess for sure. It's a work in progress.  Trials come and trials go, God remains the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I've lived it. I am living it. I will live it. God isn't finished with me yet. It's not too late to accomplish the dream regardless of what obstacles are in your way. I did it, I'm doing it. I will continue to do it! This is why I do what I do.

First Day as a Teacher

Some inspiration to me eleven years ago came to mind today.  Hope you find this encouraging regardless of what you may be facing today.

 Don't Waste Your Cancer Read this link or below: John Piper is one of my favorite authors...hope you enjoy this read. It is a confirmation in my spirit during this season with cancer once again.

Don't Waste Your Cancer

February 15, 2006 | by John Piper | Topic: Disease & Sickness

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[Editor's Note: Our friend, David Powlison, of the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation, who also was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer, has added some helpful expansions to John Piper’s ten points. Indented paragraphs beginning with "DP:" are written by David Powlison.]

I write this on the eve of prostate surgery. I believe in God’s power to heal—by miracle and by medicine. I believe it is right and good to pray for both kinds of healing. Cancer is not wasted when it is healed by God. He gets the glory and that is why cancer exists. So not to pray for healing may waste your cancer. But healing is not God’s plan for everyone. And there are many other ways to waste your cancer. I am praying for myself and for you that we will not waste this pain.

DP: I (David Powlison) add these reflections on John Piper’s words the morning after receiving news that I have been diagnosed with prostate cancer (March 3, 2006). The ten main points and first paragraphs are his; the second paragraphs are mine.

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.

It will not do to say that God only uses our cancer but does not design it. What God permits, he permits for a reason. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments becoming cancer, he can stop it or not. If he does not, he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design. Satan is real and causes many pleasures and pains. But he is not ultimate. So when he strikes Job with boils (Job 2:7), Job attributes it ultimately to God (2:10) and the inspired writer agrees: “They . . . comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him” (Job 42:11). If you don’t believe your cancer is designed for you by God, you will waste it.

DP: Recognizing his designing hand does not make you stoic or dishonest or artificially buoyant. Instead, the reality of God’s design elicits and channels your honest outcry to your one true Savior. God’s design invites honest speech, rather than silencing us into resignation. Consider the honesty of the Psalms, of King Hezekiah (Isaiah 38), of Habakkuk 3. These people are bluntly, believingly honest because they know that God is God and set their hopes in him. Psalm 28 teaches you passionate, direct prayer to God. He must hear you. He will hear you. He will continue to work in you and your situation. This outcry comes from your sense of need for help (28:1-2). Then name your particular troubles to God (28:3-5). You are free to personalize with your own particulars. Often in life’s ‘various trials’ (James 1:2), what you face does not exactly map on to the particulars that David or Jesus faced – but the dynamic of faith is the same. Having cast your cares on him who cares for you, then voice your joy (28:6-7): the God-given peace that is beyond understanding. Finally, because faith always works out into love, your personal need and joy will branch out into loving concern for others (28:8-9). Illness can sharpen your awareness of how thoroughly God has already and always been at work in every detail of your life.

2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us” (Galatians 3:13). “There is no enchantment against Jacob, no divination against Israel” (Numbers 23:23). “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11).

DP: The blessing comes in what God does for us, with us, through us. He brings his great and merciful redemption onto the stage of the curse. Your cancer, in itself, is one of those 10,000 ‘shadows of death’ (Psalm 23:4) that come upon each of us: all the threats, losses, pains, incompletion, disappointment, evils. But in his beloved children, our Father works a most kind good through our most grievous losses: sometimes healing and restoring the body (temporarily, until the resurrection of the dead to eternal life), always sustaining and teaching us that we might know and love him more simply. In the testing ground of evils, your faith becomes deep and real, and your love becomes purposeful and wise: James 1:2-5, 1 Peter 1:3-9, Romans 5:1-5, Romans 8:18-39.

3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.

The design of God in your cancer is not to train you in the rationalistic, human calculation of odds. The world gets comfort from their odds. Not Christians. Some count their chariots (percentages of survival) and some count their horses (side effects of treatment), but we trust in the name of the Lord our God (Psalm 20:7). God’s design is clear from 2 Corinthians 1:9, “We felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” The aim of God in your cancer (among a thousand other good things) is to knock props out from under our hearts so that we rely utterly on him.

DP: God himself is your comfort. He gives himself. The hymn “Be Still My Soul” (by Katerina von Schlegel) reckons the odds the right way: we are 100% certain to suffer, and Christ is 100% certain to meet us, to come for us, comfort us, and restore love’s purest joys. The hymn “How Firm a Foundation” reckons the odds the same way: you are 100% certain to pass through grave distresses, and your Savior is 100% certain to “be with you, your troubles to bless, and sanctify to you your deepest distress.” With God, you aren’t playing percentages, but living within certainties.

4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.

We will all die, if Jesus postpones his return. Not to think about what it will be like to leave this life and meet God is folly. Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “It is better to go to the house of mourning [a funeral] than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.” How can you lay it to heart if you won’t think about it? Psalm 90:12 says, “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Numbering your days means thinking about how few there are and that they will end. How will you get a heart of wisdom if you refuse to think about this? What a waste, if we do not think about death.

DP: Paul describes the Holy Spirit is the unseen, inner ‘downpayment’ on the certainty of life. By faith, the Lord gives a sweet taste of the face-to-face reality of eternal life in the presence of our God and Christ. We might also say that cancer is one ‘downpayment’ on inevitable death, giving one bad taste of the reality of of our mortality. Cancer is a signpost pointing to something far bigger: the last enemy that you must face. But Christ has defeated this last enemy: 1 Corinthians 15. Death is swallowed up in victory. Cancer is merely one of the enemy’s scouting parties, out on patrol. It has no final power if you are a child of the resurrection, so you can look it in the eye.

5. You will waste your cancer if you think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.

Satan’s and God’s designs in your cancer are not the same. Satan designs to destroy your love for Christ. God designs to deepen your love for Christ. Cancer does not win if you die. It wins if you fail to cherish Christ. God’s design is to wean you off the breast of the world and feast you on the sufficiency of Christ. It is meant to help you say and feel, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” And to know that therefore, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 3:8; 1:21).

DP: Cherishing Christ expresses the two core activities of faith: dire need and utter joy. Many psalms cry out in a ‘minor key’: we cherish our Savior by needing him to save us from real troubles, real sins, real sufferings, real anguish. Many psalms sing out in a ‘major key’: we cherish our Savior by delighting in him, loving him, thanking him for all his benefits to us, rejoicing that his salvation is the weightiest thing in the world and that he gets last say. And many psalms start out in one key and end up in the other. Cherishing Christ is not monochromatic; you live the whole spectrum of human experience with him. To ‘beat’ cancer is to live knowing how your Father has compassion on his beloved child, because he knows your frame, that you are but dust. Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. To live is to know him, whom to know is to love.

6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.

It is not wrong to know about cancer. Ignorance is not a virtue. But the lure to know more and more and the lack of zeal to know God more and more is symptomatic of unbelief. Cancer is meant to waken us to the reality of God. It is meant to put feeling and force behind the command, “Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord” (Hosea 6:3). It is meant to waken us to the truth of Daniel 11:32, “The people who know their God shall stand firm and take action.” It is meant to make unshakable, indestructible oak trees out of us: “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers” (Psalm 1:2). What a waste of cancer if we read day and night about cancer and not about God.

DP: What is so for your reading is also true for your conversations with others. Other people will often express their care and concern by inquiring about your health. That’s good, but the conversation easily gets stuck there. So tell them openly about your sickness, seeking their prayers and counsel, but then change the direction of the conversation by telling them what your God is doing to faithfully sustain you with 10,000 mercies. Robert Murray McCheyne wisely said, “For every one look at your sins, take ten looks at Christ.” He was countering our tendency to reverse that 10:1 ratio by brooding over our failings and forgetting the Lord of mercy. What McCheyne says about our sins we can also apply to our sufferings. For every one sentence you say to others about your cancer, say ten sentences about your God, and your hope, and what he is teaching you, and the small blessings of each day. For every hour you spend researching or discussing your cancer, spend 10 hours researching and discussing and serving your Lord. Relate all that you are learning about cancer back to him and his purposes, and you won’t become obsessed.

7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.

When Epaphroditus brought the gifts to Paul sent by the Philippian church he became ill and almost died. Paul tells the Philippians, “He has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill” (Philippians 2:26-27). What an amazing response! It does not say they were distressed that he was ill, but that he was distressed because they heard he was ill. That is the kind of heart God is aiming to create with cancer: a deeply affectionate, caring heart for people. Don’t waste your cancer by retreating into yourself.

DP: Our culture is terrified of facing death. It is obsessed with medicine. It idolizes youth, health and energy. It tries to hide any signs of weakness or imperfection. You will bring huge blessing to others by living openly, believingly and lovingly within your weaknesses. Paradoxically, moving out into relationships when you are hurting and weak will actually strengthen others. ‘One anothering’ is a two-way street of generous giving and grateful receiving. Your need gives others an opportunity to love. And since love is always God’s highest purpose in you, too, you will learn his finest and most joyous lessons as you find small ways to express concern for others even when you are most weak. A great, life-threatening weakness can prove amazingly freeing. Nothing is left for you to do except to be loved by God and others, and to love God and others.

8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.

Paul used this phrase in relation to those whose loved ones had died: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). There is a grief at death. Even for the believer who dies, there is temporary loss—loss of body, and loss of loved ones here, and loss of earthly ministry. But the grief is different—it is permeated with hope. “We would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5:8). Don’t waste your cancer grieving as those who don’t have this hope.

DP: Show the world this different way of grieving. Paul said that he would have had “grief upon grief” if his friend Epaphroditus had died. He had been grieving, feeling the painful weight of his friend’s illness. He would have doubly grieved if his friend had died. But this loving, honest, God-oriented grief coexisted with “rejoice always” and “the peace of God that passes understanding” and “showing a genuine concern for your welfare.” How on earth can heartache coexist with love, joy, peace, and an indestructible sense of life purpose? In the inner logic of faith, this makes perfect sense. In fact, because you have hope, you may feel the sufferings of this life more keenly: grief upon grief. In contrast, the grieving that has no hope often chooses denial or escape or busyness because it can’t face reality without becoming distraught. In Christ, you know what’s at stake, and so you keenly feel the wrong of this fallen world. You don’t take pain and death for granted. You love what is good, and hate what is evil. After all, you follow in the image of “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” But this Jesus chose his cross willingly “for the joy set before him.” He lived and died in hopes that all come true. His pain was not muted by denial or medication, nor was it tainted with despair, fear, or thrashing about for any straw of hope that might change his circumstances. Jesus’ final promises overflow with the gladness of solid hope amid sorrows: “My joy will be in you, and your joy will be made full. Your grief will be turned to joy. No one will take your joy away from you. Ask, and you will receive, so that your joy will be made full. These things I speak in the world, so that they may have my joy made full in themselves” (selection from John 15-17).

9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.

Are your besetting sins as attractive as they were before you had cancer? If so you are wasting your cancer. Cancer is designed to destroy the appetite for sin. Pride, greed, lust, hatred, unforgiveness, impatience, laziness, procrastination—all these are the adversaries that cancer is meant to attack. Don’t just think of battling against cancer. Also think of battling with cancer. All these things are worse enemies than cancer. Don’t waste the power of cancer to crush these foes. Let the presence of eternity make the sins of time look as futile as they really are. “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:25).

DP: Suffering really is meant to wean you from sin and strengthen your faith. If you are God-less, then suffering magnifies sin. Will you become more bitter, despairing, addictive, fearful, frenzied, avoidant, sentimental, godless in how you go about life? Will you pretend it’s business as usual? Will you come to terms with death, on your terms? But if you are God’s, then suffering in Christ’s hands will change you, always slowly, sometimes quickly. You come to terms with life and death on his terms. He will gentle you, purify you, cleanse you of vanities. He will make you need him and love him. He rearranges your priorities, so first things come first more often. He will walk with you. Of course you’ll fail at times, perhaps seized by irritability or brooding, escapism or fears. But he will always pick you up when you stumble. Your inner enemy – a moral cancer 10,000 times more deadly than your physical cancer – will be dying as you continue seeking and finding your Savior: “For your name’s sake, O Lord, pardon my iniquity, for it is very great. Who is the man who fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way he should choose” (Psalm 25).

10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

Christians are never anywhere by divine accident. There are reasons for why we wind up where we do. Consider what Jesus said about painful, unplanned circumstances: “They will lay their hands on you and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors for my name’s sake. This will be your opportunity to bear witness” (Luke 21:12 -13). So it is with cancer. This will be an opportunity to bear witness. Christ is infinitely worthy. Here is a golden opportunity to show that he is worth more than life. Don’t waste it.

DP: Jesus is your life. He is the man before whom every knee will bow. He has defeated death once for all. He will finish what he has begun. Let your light so shine as you live in him, by him, through him, for him. One of the church’s ancient hymns puts it this way:

Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me, Christ to win me, Christ to comfort and restore me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ in quiet, Christ in danger, Christ in hearts of all that love me, Christ in mouth of friend and stranger (from “I bind unto myself the name”).

In your cancer, you will need your brothers and sisters to witness to the truth and glory of Christ, to walk with you, to live out their faith beside you, to love you. And you can do same with them and with all others, becoming the heart that loves with the love of Christ, the mouth filled with hope to both friends and strangers.

Remember you are not left alone. You will have the help you need. “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).

Pastor John

Material is from Don't Waste Your Cancer by John Piper, copyright 2010.

Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org