Again...

Those words were spoken over the phone....you have cancer. Wait what did she just say?  Can you repeat that? My heart is beating so loud that I didn't hear that correctly, right? Clearly this isn't happening to me.

 Again. 

    Again. 

She repeats, the written words of  the initial pathology report: invasive ductal carcinoma of the breast.  I'm sorry to report this news -- it is breast cancer. I'm numb all over. Please wake me from this bad, bad dream. This has already been on my "not to do ever again bucket list"...again? Deep breath. Inhale slowly.  The tears are hot and salty. It's happening again. 

Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe the amount of pain, disappointment, anxiety and fear that came flooding over me. 

But God....

I sit looking out my bedroom window at the snow covered ground, no leaves on the trees, just a blanket of white, seemingly enveloping the ground beneath its deceiving covers.  Winter is tucking away Spring for a bit longer it appears. The end of February is coming to an end like a cheating Valentine. It's icy cold outside, just like my aching, breaking heart, shattered in a million pieces.  Black birds swarm the white ground hoping to find a meal. I silently whisper, how I wish I could fly away like the birds do. But clearly I'm jolted awake from my bad dream, I'm reminded not like the birds but like the tree.  The birds are now perched high in the branches of a great oak tree sitting along the fence line in the pasture.  Be like the tree planted firmly, roots deep, the seasons come and go, the tree is not moved.  Be like the tree planted by the rivers of water that bring forth fruit in season.  All I really want to do is pull the covers up from my white comforter, and disappear. This was all ready on the "not to do bucket list" ever again.

 Again.

 But God has a different plan for me.

 Again. 

Be like the tree. A picture of strong faith enduring through the changing seasons. I didn't choose this path, it chose me.   I am reminded that I am His poiema, His workmanship created to do good works for Him, to be a light, a beacon to those around me of hope and strength.  Just like the tree that has strong branches for the birds.

Now I must embark on another journey of knowing, understanding, refining of my faith.  

Faith.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrew 11:1

I can't see the future. But I know who does.

I can look back at the evidence of His faithfulness in my own life.

I can stand on faith.

God is good 

God is love

God is faithful

We are called to live in a way the reflects what He has done for each of us.  Jesus came to be the perfect sacrifice on our behalf so that He might cleanse us from our sin and present us to the Father holy and blameless. Jesus redeemed us with His precious blood so we can live a holy life.

But all the heartache gets in the way. I am not alone in my brokenness and heart ache.

Brokenness comes in many packages.  Diagnosis of cancer. End of a marriage. A wayward child. Harsh reality of war. As the headlines read even now and the bombs break through hearts and homes on foreign soil, none of us are immune to brokenness.  It cuts deep.  Hits us smack in the heart of it. Stop you dead-cold.  Your life shattered in a million pieces.  As the pain wells up and the tears brim over the eyelids and fall, fall, fall, and crash down there are more questions than answers to life's rhetorical questions. This is a fallen world.  Sin demands death. 

For such a time as this...we are told trials will come.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love.  Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith - the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:6-9

So these trials come to test our faith like the refining process of gold. The genuineness of your faith.  What is your faith built on? It's about to get really hot.  Gold is prized for it's beauty.  Gold is a unique metal. Gold conducts heat and electricity. Gold is ductile and can be drawn to a thin wire. It is highly reflective of heat and light. Gold is malleable, so it can be flattened into extremely thin sheets. Gold melts at 1,945 degrees Fahrenheit.

No wonder God uses gold as an example of how he wants to refine me.  In the end beauty. Conducts and reflects heat and light.  Sounds like a familiar saying. Malleable -- mold me, shape me, stretch me, grow me. Drawn to a thin wire. Again, like a tree standing strong through the seasons.

Here is what I know:

This has been caught due to a routine yearly mammogram. I do not have a stage of this cancer as that can only be determined by testing lymph nodes.  It is called invasive ductal carcinoma grade 3. I still have tests being done to help make more decisions. This cancer requires surgery to remove the area affected. I have decided to pursue treatment/surgery at the Siteman Cancer Center in St. Louis, Missouri.  At this point I don't know if I will need chemotherapy as that depends on the lymph nodes.  I want to be as aggressive as possible to fight this. This hospital is part of Washington University Medical School as well as Barnes-Jewish Hospital.  It is a premier center for treating cancer. I have an appointment for March 15 for a consultation.  I hope to have a surgery date after that visit. 

Some of you may not know my previous battle with cancer in 2011, when I was diagnosed with stage 3B colon cancer. You can read about that in past blog entries and on the right hand side of the blog "My Cancer Story." 

Thank you to so many who have reached out with cards, txt messages, and emails.  I am overwhelmed by your love and support.  I am sorry if you are reading this here and I wasn't able to tell each of you personally.  It just isn't possible.  I plan to keep writing and updating.