Faith Over Fear -- Fear is Not My Future

I feel like a stow-away on the boat with the disciples heading to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. The storm has been raging. No clear answer on how to get off this boat ride. The wind is howling, the waves crashing, and then the ghost appears. Waiting, hoping, praying, God save me. Have you ever felt this way? Fear so grand you are paralyzed. Fear so tight against your chest you can not breathe. Fear so intoxicating it infiltrates every thought you have. Yes, I have experienced these modes of fear, and many others like it. I have gone to battle against the source of fear. Fear is a liar. Fear is the Devil himself. Fear robs you of so many things. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 Thankfully the one controlling the storm comes to the rescue and calms the storm by speaking these simple words: "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid!" Mark 6:50 Once spoken Jesus got in the boat and immediately the storm ceased.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, sitting in quiet places, waiting for God to speak. I have read highlighted lines of well-read pages of scripture:

"Don't be afraid! I am with you." Isiah 43:5

"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you that hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24

"God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints." 1 Corinthians 14:33

"Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:14

"Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isiah 40:31

"I waited patiently for the Lord, and He inclined to me, and heard my cry." Psalm 40:1

"Do not be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

This isn't microwaved faith. Or even instant-pot faith.  It's more like slow-cooker faith.

I have decided not to do any more chemotherapy.  My body is telling me enough. The outward expression of side effects is obvious. It's the unseen effects that concern me. The decision to even go forward with doing chemotherapy was borderline. The possible long-term damaging effects of chemotherapy trump the benefits of killing any other rogue cells in my body,  The effects of one round are visible.  I'm confident the job was done and it's time to move on. I will be meeting with my oncology team later this week to plan my next steps in treatment and recovery. I'm feeling better and stronger every day. 

Thank you for keeping me lifted up in prayer.  This has not been an easy decision.  Playing with numbers and asking the what-if questions is exhausting. There is no human that holds the answers to my questions of reoccurrence. Statistics are meant to be good predictors of the future. I know that there is only One who holds my days in His hands. In this time of praying, seeking, asking, and waiting -- He has made it known that is not for me to worry about. It is in His hands.  Once I released myself from searching for answers and trust the One who is the answer, the storm ceased. Immediate peace. Perfect peace. Just like when Jesus stepped into the boat and the wind and waves stopped. 

I'm putting the lyrics to this song that has been a lifeline for me. You can also watch the music video here.  

Fear is Not My Future 

By: Maverick City 

Let Him turn it in your favor

Watch Him work it for your good

He’s not done with what He’s started

He’s not done until it’s good

So let Him turn it in your favor

Watch Him work it for your good

He’s not done with what He’s started

He’s not done until it’s good

Hello Peace

Hello Joy

Hello Love

Hello Strength

Hello Hope

It’s a new horizon

If you’re ready for a breakthrough

Just open up and just receive

Cause what He’s pouring out is nothing

You’ve ever seen

Fear is not my future

You are, You are

Sickness is not my story

You are, You are

Heartbreak’s not my home

You are, You are

Death is not the end

You are, You are

Hello Peace

Hello Joy

Hello Love

Hello Strength

Hello Hope

It’s a new horizon

Goodbye fear

Goodbye guilt

Goodbye shame

Goodbye pain

Goodbye grave

It’s a new horizon

   Let the Light on in

   Let the Light on in

   It’s a new horizon

Another time the disciples we in the boat crossing to the other side and a great windstorm arose. This time Jesus was asleep in the boat. The boat was filling with water.  Yet Jesus kept fast asleep. So the disciples awoke him. Jesus spoke to the wind -- rebuking it and then to the sea he said, "Peace, be still!" The wind stopped and the seas were calm. Jesus asked a question -- Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith? Mark 4:35-41

Stop living in fear

Faith brings peace

Faith over fear

Fear is not my future

You are Jesus

The Brick Wall

Remember we are on that Bear Hunt? You know the one where we have to go through the tall grass, the river, the mud, and eventually the cave where the home of the bear is at. The journey of cancer. I’m still on that trek. Maybe at a detour now. I’ve hit a brick wall along the journey. I’m staring at this path before me

of poison laden chemotherapy treatments and possible allergic reactions that carry short and long term side effects. This is no joking matter. These decisions are so hard. No decision is still a decision. But I’m at a stand still, deadlock, brick wall. 

My first round of chemotherapy didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped. I had an allergic reaction to one of the drugs called Doxataxcel. This resulted in a rash on my chest, neck, and face. I have also discovered I’m sensitive to taking the steroid medication that is supposed to help prevent/ lesson reactions for chemotherapy. A very common side effect is having elevated glucose levels. With all this information it is concerning to me as to what might happen on the next treatment. There is no way to predict what will happen. I can only take the information I have and try to make a decision based on previous experiences. This is why I’m at a brick wall. Do the benefits of chemotherapy outweigh the risks? Will the rash happen again? Will it be more widespread? Will it go away over time? What about the steroids and the stress it puts on the endocrine system? Lots of questions with no clear immediate answers.

I’m reminded what a good friend once told me about decision making. She said put the facts on the table, leave your emotions in your heart. This is easier said than done. I’m going to do like the King of Judah, Hezekiah did in the Old Testament when King Sennacherib sent his spokesman to mock the God of the Israelites. Verbally this spokesperson bashed their God by insulting His ability to be faithful. This spokesperson who doesn’t even have a name used words to intimidate the people and King Hezekiah. Isn’t this how the enemy works? Subtly placing doubts in our minds about how great our God is.

• Will you be rescued?
• Where is this God?
• Don’t rely on him.
• You will be handed over
• Did he really promise?

Not only did King Sennacherib send the spokesperson he also sent a letter with all this written out. So how did Hezekiah respond? Like the advice from my friend —he laid the facts out on the table— literally. Don’t miss this. He took the letter, read it, and immediately went to the house of the Lord and laid it before God. Then he started praying. Hard core, specific and simple words. 

• Listen 
• Hear
• Open your eyes
• See
• Save us

Ultimately Hezekiah’s prayer was to bring glory to God. He knew that God was able to rescue them from the mighty army of the Assyrian’s. Bigger than that was that all these nations needed to see that the Israelites God was God alone. 

Regardless of my decision to move forward with another round of chemotherapy or not, my hope is that God is glorified in me and through my actions. I’m laying it all down before Him. Praying. Praying. Praying. 

Do you know how the story ends for Hezekiah and the Israelites? Of course they win the battle. But it’s in the way they won that clearly demonstrates Gods power and ability to o do what He wants and how He wants. God sent an Angel at night that struck down 185,000 dead. King Sennacherib packed up and went home. No questions as to who did what— God alone. 

If you want to read more about this story in the Bible you can find it in 2 Kings 18 & 19.  

No hair and I don’t care!

I’ve pushed back my second round of chemotherapy to  Wednesday, July 27. Needing a clear answer and peace with the decision. I have to decide by Monday  July, 25 in order to have pre-meds on hand.  So once again I’m laying the facts on the table before the Lord and trying to keep my emotions tucked away in my heart.  Solo Gloria.