Wednesday, December 14, 2011
It is early this morning of my 10th scheduled round of chemo. I really don't want to go this morning. I feel like Jonah. I know God has said you have to do this -- finish. I don't want to. I have a lot of anxiety you could say. How does one balance the mixture of emotions at this point in the journey? On one hand I am extremely thankful and full of joy. Yet on the other hand I laid awake in bed last night chasing wild thoughts and making up scenarios that most likely won't ever happen. So draining and such a waste! Yet I wonder during this Christmas season how many of us have mixed emotions wrapped around our hearts. How is it humanly possible to truly be in anguish over something or someone and yet have joy? Paul lets us in on the secret in 2 Corinthians 7:4-7, "I have great confidence in you; I take great pride in you. I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds. For when we came into Macedonia, this body of our had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn conflicts on the outside, fears within. But god, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever." Even though Paul so called afflicted he knew joy. I like that the scripture tells us not only was it physical suffering but mentally that Paul had fear. I have fear only created by self - a wandering mind. I can only imagine the horrific things dreamed up in the mind of Paul and the other believers alongside of him. The Romans were cruel folks. Those who opposed the Gospel were relentless in their torment. Yet God comforted them. I love this concept of a person (Titus) being sent as comforter to encourage Paul during this difficult time. For me knowing that I am not alone in the battle, that I am covered in many prayers and that my God cares about me gives me great joy. Sweet joy in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is what Paul experienced. This is what I am experiencing. My joy know no bounds!