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Thursday, January 5, 2012

Seasons Do Change

Welcome to 2012!  I don't know about you but I am eager to engage in what this year holds.  I feel like standing as close to the edge and peaking over it...hoping to get a glimpse of what is in store.  Funny how we so desperately want to know what is next and yet it is kept under wraps till the perfect time.  Hindsight is always the best place to reflect.  This is where faith and real living play out. What does the next phase of life look like?  What is in store for me, for my family?  So many questions come to the surface.  Yet I wait, hope and trust in a living and faithful God.  My angst is put to rest and I breathe in His Word.  I sit in silence.  I journal.  I play my guitar.  I sing.  I wait.  I am trying to figure out what is next in my journey.  How involved do I let myself become?  How much do I hold back?  Words like, "just say no Anna...you need to rest more" plague me.  How much rest Lord is needed?  As many of you know I am a go, go , go type A person.  This year has taught me much about myself.  This season of dormancy to rest and to be still has been so fruitful to my body and Spirit.  I am very grateful for the quiet days and short list of to-dos.  I sense the season changing.  I am having to look deep with in at the things I want to do.  The gentle whisper of his voice speaking over me catches me off guard.  It hits me: what I want to do.  Opps.  It's not about what I want to do.  It is what He wants me to do.  I want to rely on Him to guide me, give me His heart and show me what His plans are.  I am so wrapped up in want I want to do I am afraid I'll miss what He has prepared for me to do.

"True dependence is not simply asking Me to bless what you have decided to do.  It is coming to Me with and open mind and heart, inviting Me to plant My desires within you.  I may infuse you with a dream that seems far beyond your reach.  You know that in yourself you cannot achieve such a goal.  Thus begins your journey of profound reliance on Me." Sara Young, Jesus Calling.

So my journey of profound reliance continues.  I wait again.  I don't get tired of waiting.  Before this season I would grow impatient and forget what I was really waiting for.  Sometimes the lesson is learned in the waiting.  or the answer comes through the waiting.  It's all perspective.  What once seemed like an impossible situation became an amazing miracle.  I see His Glory and Power at work in these difficult situations.

I just finished my 11th round of chemo.  One more round to go.  It has been a long road.  Many days of feeling like will this ever end are coming to a close.  I have had to endure much.  Not alone mind you.  The Lord has been so faithful through it all.  My strength has been renewed daily.  I have my CT scan scheduled for the 27th of January. I believe strongly that this CT scan will result in a clean bill of cancer free!  It will be the days, weeks, months and years ahead that will be more difficult.  I remain hopeful and I trust that God is faithful.  Whatever He has planned is good.  I will remain diligent to care for my well being and take all the necessary steps to ensure that. 

I hope to write more about what is next for. me.  Again I am waiting.  Praying that the Lord directs my steps and gives me a clear picture for the future.  Seasons don't stay the same forever.  Looking forward to a change.