I feel like a stow-away on the boat with the disciples heading to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. The storm has been raging. No clear answer on how to get off this boat ride. The wind is howling, the waves crashing, and then the ghost appears. Waiting, hoping, praying, God save me. Have you ever felt this way? Fear so grand you are paralyzed. Fear so tight against your chest you can not breathe. Fear so intoxicating it infiltrates every thought you have. Yes, I have experienced these modes of fear, and many others like it. I have gone to battle against the source of fear. Fear is a liar. Fear is the Devil himself. Fear robs you of so many things. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 Thankfully the one controlling the storm comes to the rescue and calms the storm by speaking these simple words: "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid!" Mark 6:50 Once spoken Jesus got in the boat and immediately the storm ceased.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching, sitting in quiet places, waiting for God to speak. I have read highlighted lines of well-read pages of scripture:
"Don't be afraid! I am with you." Isiah 43:5
"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you that hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24
"God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints." 1 Corinthians 14:33
"Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:14
"Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isiah 40:31
"I waited patiently for the Lord, and He inclined to me, and heard my cry." Psalm 40:1
"Do not be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
This isn't microwaved faith. Or even instant-pot faith. It's more like slow-cooker faith.
I have decided not to do any more chemotherapy. My body is telling me enough. The outward expression of side effects is obvious. It's the unseen effects that concern me. The decision to even go forward with doing chemotherapy was borderline. The possible long-term damaging effects of chemotherapy trump the benefits of killing any other rogue cells in my body, The effects of one round are visible. I'm confident the job was done and it's time to move on. I will be meeting with my oncology team later this week to plan my next steps in treatment and recovery. I'm feeling better and stronger every day.
Thank you for keeping me lifted up in prayer. This has not been an easy decision. Playing with numbers and asking the what-if questions is exhausting. There is no human that holds the answers to my questions of reoccurrence. Statistics are meant to be good predictors of the future. I know that there is only One who holds my days in His hands. In this time of praying, seeking, asking, and waiting -- He has made it known that is not for me to worry about. It is in His hands. Once I released myself from searching for answers and trust the One who is the answer, the storm ceased. Immediate peace. Perfect peace. Just like when Jesus stepped into the boat and the wind and waves stopped.
I'm putting the lyrics to this song that has been a lifeline for me. You can also watch the music video here.
Fear is Not My Future
By: Maverick City
Let Him turn it in your favor
Watch Him work it for your good
He’s not done with what He’s started
He’s not done until it’s good
So let Him turn it in your favor
Watch Him work it for your good
He’s not done with what He’s started
He’s not done until it’s good
Hello Peace
Hello Joy
Hello Love
Hello Strength
Hello Hope
It’s a new horizon
If you’re ready for a breakthrough
Just open up and just receive
Cause what He’s pouring out is nothing
You’ve ever seen
Fear is not my future
You are, You are
Sickness is not my story
You are, You are
Heartbreak’s not my home
You are, You are
Death is not the end
You are, You are
Hello Peace
Hello Joy
Hello Love
Hello Strength
Hello Hope
It’s a new horizon
Goodbye fear
Goodbye guilt
Goodbye shame
Goodbye pain
Goodbye grave
It’s a new horizon
Let the Light on in
Let the Light on in
It’s a new horizon
Another time the disciples we in the boat crossing to the other side and a great windstorm arose. This time Jesus was asleep in the boat. The boat was filling with water. Yet Jesus kept fast asleep. So the disciples awoke him. Jesus spoke to the wind -- rebuking it and then to the sea he said, "Peace, be still!" The wind stopped and the seas were calm. Jesus asked a question -- Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith? Mark 4:35-41
Stop living in fear
Faith brings peace
Faith over fear
Fear is not my future
You are Jesus
