The Brick Wall

Remember we are on that Bear Hunt? You know the one where we have to go through the tall grass, the river, the mud, and eventually the cave where the home of the bear is at. The journey of cancer. I’m still on that trek. Maybe at a detour now. I’ve hit a brick wall along the journey. I’m staring at this path before me

of poison laden chemotherapy treatments and possible allergic reactions that carry short and long term side effects. This is no joking matter. These decisions are so hard. No decision is still a decision. But I’m at a stand still, deadlock, brick wall. 

My first round of chemotherapy didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped. I had an allergic reaction to one of the drugs called Doxataxcel. This resulted in a rash on my chest, neck, and face. I have also discovered I’m sensitive to taking the steroid medication that is supposed to help prevent/ lesson reactions for chemotherapy. A very common side effect is having elevated glucose levels. With all this information it is concerning to me as to what might happen on the next treatment. There is no way to predict what will happen. I can only take the information I have and try to make a decision based on previous experiences. This is why I’m at a brick wall. Do the benefits of chemotherapy outweigh the risks? Will the rash happen again? Will it be more widespread? Will it go away over time? What about the steroids and the stress it puts on the endocrine system? Lots of questions with no clear immediate answers.

I’m reminded what a good friend once told me about decision making. She said put the facts on the table, leave your emotions in your heart. This is easier said than done. I’m going to do like the King of Judah, Hezekiah did in the Old Testament when King Sennacherib sent his spokesman to mock the God of the Israelites. Verbally this spokesperson bashed their God by insulting His ability to be faithful. This spokesperson who doesn’t even have a name used words to intimidate the people and King Hezekiah. Isn’t this how the enemy works? Subtly placing doubts in our minds about how great our God is.

• Will you be rescued?
• Where is this God?
• Don’t rely on him.
• You will be handed over
• Did he really promise?

Not only did King Sennacherib send the spokesperson he also sent a letter with all this written out. So how did Hezekiah respond? Like the advice from my friend —he laid the facts out on the table— literally. Don’t miss this. He took the letter, read it, and immediately went to the house of the Lord and laid it before God. Then he started praying. Hard core, specific and simple words. 

• Listen 
• Hear
• Open your eyes
• See
• Save us

Ultimately Hezekiah’s prayer was to bring glory to God. He knew that God was able to rescue them from the mighty army of the Assyrian’s. Bigger than that was that all these nations needed to see that the Israelites God was God alone. 

Regardless of my decision to move forward with another round of chemotherapy or not, my hope is that God is glorified in me and through my actions. I’m laying it all down before Him. Praying. Praying. Praying. 

Do you know how the story ends for Hezekiah and the Israelites? Of course they win the battle. But it’s in the way they won that clearly demonstrates Gods power and ability to o do what He wants and how He wants. God sent an Angel at night that struck down 185,000 dead. King Sennacherib packed up and went home. No questions as to who did what— God alone. 

If you want to read more about this story in the Bible you can find it in 2 Kings 18 & 19.  

No hair and I don’t care!

I’ve pushed back my second round of chemotherapy to  Wednesday, July 27. Needing a clear answer and peace with the decision. I have to decide by Monday  July, 25 in order to have pre-meds on hand.  So once again I’m laying the facts on the table before the Lord and trying to keep my emotions tucked away in my heart.  Solo Gloria.