A Star to Follow

"Can anything separate us from the love Christ has for us? God answered our question before we asked it.  So we'd see his answer, he lit the sky with a star.  So we'd hear it, he filled the night with a choir; and so we'd believe it, he did what no man had ever dreamed.  He became flesh and dwelt among us."  Max Lucado

"I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night - but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.  To you the night shines as bright as day.  Darkness and light are the same to you." Psalm 139:11-12 NLT

"For God, who said Let the light shine out of darkness made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ Jesus."  2 Corinthians 4:6

"The angel came in the night because that is when lights are best seen and that is when they are most needed.  Stepping from his throne in heaven he removed his robe of light and wrapped himself in skin."  Max Lucado

"We have seen his star in the east and and have come to worship Him." Matthew 2:2

Can something be learned from the wise men?  It is hard to fathom the incarnation of God here on earth.  It is too great to comprehend.  So we have faith and believe in a miracle.  We must learn from the wise men.  They were on a quest, a searching for the Savior.  When they saw the star they were overjoyed.  This calls for a celebration.  When joy wells up you can not keep quiet.  It bursts forth in song.  The angelic choir was ready. They found the baby, the Christ child. This is the response I want to have: humble worship.  They brought gifts from afar.  I have no gifts of gold, frankincense or myrrh to offer.  All he wants is my praise and worship to wonder and marvel in awe.  To sing praises in my Spirit.  I am looking for the Star.  A star to lead me down the path.  Where you go I will follow.

"Because of God's tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace."  Luke 1:78-79

A new favorite worship song by Hillsong: You Are More

A Christmas Story to Ponder

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Can you sense the anticipation growing?  There are two days left till Christmas break and we are 7 days and counting till the big day.  The presents are wrapped, the tree is decorated, the lights are hung and yummy goodies line the counter-top in my kitchen. I love this time of year when we make our home look pretty with Martha Stewart like decorations, we bake like Betty Crocker and we post Christmas photos of our family and friends on the fridge. The music is cued to the holiday music station and my favorite Christmas candle is burning.  Ahh the sights, sounds and smells of Christmas are here.  I want to hit the pause button and savor it all year long.

I was supposed to get chemo treatment last week on Wednesday.  I had it planned out this way so that I could enjoy the days leading up to Christmas better.  It didn't work out that way.  Christmas is still going to happen.  It happens every year on the 25th of December.  I am reminding myself that we can celebrate like this anytime of the year.  I wonder if Mary might have felt the same way.  Her plans to get married somehow interrupted by news heralded by the angel Gabriel: you will be with Child by the Holy Spirit and you shall call Him Jesus.  Talk about a change in plans!  It's Mary's response to the angel that catches my attention.  It strikes a chord in me. She responds, "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said." Luke 1:38 Mary immediately accepts the news and believes. This is faith in action.  The bells ring loud and the choir sings forth Glory to God in the Highest.  Do I respond this way when my plans don't seem to work out?  I have to admit most times my ways don't work out. I don't respond with a quick yes Lord.  Instead I parade around like a chicken with it's head cut off.  Lovely picture!  It's true that I get upset when my plans seem to fail.  I want to hear those words, "you are highly favored."  I mess it up over and over again.

Mary was betrothed to be married to Joseph.  It was Jewish custom to be pledged or like an engagement period.  In all aspects Joseph and Mary were "married" yet Jewish custom stated that they were to remain pure.  So for Mary to return from Elizabeth's pregnant was a big deal.  She could have been stoned or Joseph could have divorced her.  God had plans for Joseph and Mary.  It was hard.  People talk.  Joseph also had an encounter with an angel.  Joseph also believed and put his faith into action: he obeyed and took Mary as his wife.  He was told not to fear, but it is human nature to be afraid.  Afraid of the future.  I can relate.  Faith conquers all fears.  I think both Mary and Joseph were afraid, yet they were determined to be obedient to what God had told them.  Was it hard for them?  Certainly.  Did they miss their family when they had to travel to Bethlehem for the Census ordered by King Herod.  Did Mary really think her time to deliver was not soon?  Did the travel bring labor?  Many questions I ponder.  Scripture tells us they did not return back to Nazareth but were warned in a dream to flee to Egypt.  More distance between family.  I can imagine on one hand they were both relived to be away from those in Nazareth and the ridicule they must have experienced. New friends and community would not know their circumstances.  Maybe this was God's divine way of protecting their fragile hearts.  God's ways are always best.  I must remind myself of this daily.  I fight to be in control, but then remember His ways I can not fathom.

I was reminded of this once again this morning in church.  Pastor Jackie was reminding us of the Israelites and their captivity to the Babylonians.  They were placed in chains, families torn apart heading for a life of slavery.  Life was not going as planned.  Yet God gave Jeremiah a message for the children of Israel.  He told them, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I think this future and a hope means two things.  One, it was the promise of a Messiah to come.  The second was not going to be found here on earth.  It was set in their hearts: eternity.  For the Jew the promised Messiah was to come and set up His kingdom and set them free from captivity.  God was speaking of a heavenly kingdom and freedom from the law and peace with God.  The long walk to Babylon must have been rough.  Where was God? What was He thinking?  This is not the plan!  Yet it was part of God's perfect plan for the children of Israel.  The future and hope was on it's way...all in His time. 

Sweet Mary and Joseph did not plan on a baby prior to starting their marriage.  Yet this was part of God's plan to bring salvation to the world.  A baby changes everything.  So Jesus was born in Bethlehem and laid in a manger.  A feeding trough. A stark reminder that He is the Bread of Life. The star brightly reflecting the glory of the moment.  What am I reflecting?  Is it this God glory? Or am I too caught up in this Christmas hype to see the miracle before me?  My heart screams out like Mary I am the Lord's servant...I want to make a difference, I want to be a light. In spite of my circumstances and the way plans seem to change like the wind, I must take a stand.  Like Mary I must resolve in my heart that I am the Lord's servant  -- let it be as the Lord has chosen. For I know that the plans God has for me are good and he is building a future for me and that gives my spirit hope for the moment and hope for a bright future in heaven.

Christmas time seems to bring to the front of our memory our relationship with Christ. It causes us to wonder at the miracle of the virgin birth.  To marvel in the amazing gift God gave us: his one and only Son, Jesus, Emmanuel God with us. We make time to be with friends and family.  We exchange gifts, food and stories.  This year is different for me.  I have a fresh perspective.  A God-given-glory view.  I want to cherish it and savor this season of Christmas for the year to come.  I have great hope and expectation for the future.  I can only say one thing about it: I know it will be good!
Merry Christmas Friends!

My Jonah Moment(s)

It is early this morning of my 10th scheduled round of chemo.  I really don't want to go this morning.  I feel like Jonah.  I know God has said you  have to do this -- finish.  I don't want to.  I have a lot of anxiety you could say.  How does one balance the mixture of emotions at this point in the journey?  On one hand I am extremely thankful and full of joy.  Yet on the other hand I laid awake in bed last night chasing wild thoughts and making up scenarios that most likely won't ever happen.  So draining and such a waste!  Yet I wonder during this Christmas season how many of us have mixed emotions wrapped around our hearts.  How is it humanly possible to truly be in anguish over something or someone and yet have joy?  Paul lets us in on the secret in 2 Corinthians 7:4-7, "I have great confidence in you; I take great pride in you.  I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds. For when we came into Macedonia, this body of our had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn conflicts on the outside, fears within.  But god, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him.  He told us your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever."  Even though Paul so called afflicted he knew joy.  I like that the scripture tells us not only was it physical suffering but mentally that Paul had fear.  I have fear only created by self - a wandering mind.  I can only imagine the horrific things dreamed up in the mind of Paul and the other believers alongside of him.  The Romans were cruel folks.  Those who opposed the Gospel were relentless in their torment.  Yet God comforted them.  I love this concept of a person (Titus) being sent as comforter to encourage Paul during this difficult time.  For me knowing that I am not alone in the battle, that I am covered in many prayers and that my God cares about me gives me great joy.  Sweet joy in the midst of difficult circumstances.  This is what Paul experienced.  This is what I am experiencing. My joy know no bounds!

Waters Rising

I have not been writing much the last few days because I guess you could say I have had writers block.  Not sure what to write.  So at this point I am going to share about my last chemo round.  It was eventful.  Not something I am truly excited about but it did give me a good scare.  Unfortunately during my infusion process I had a serious reaction to the drugs that caused abdominal pain and an anaphylactic reaction.  I was in severe pain for a few hours with stomach cramping.  I also swelled up like a balloon. My hands turned bright red/purple and I was barely able to get my wedding ring off.  I also felt like I had a lump stuck in my throat, making it hard to breathe.   This had the nurses swarming over me like bees.  It is all a bit blurry as to what exactly did happen and why.  The Doctor is not absolutely sure why at this point.  Many factors weigh into determining the exact cause.  Which at this point we may never really know since I had several drugs in my body.  The most likely source was the chemo drug oxaliplatin.  There are a few rare cases of hypersensitivity and idiosyncratic reactions due to this drug.  The interesting case studies about oxaliplatin include a developed hypersenstivity to this drug over time.  In other words over the course of my chemo treatment I have built up a sensitivity to this drug and it finally surfaced it's ugly head.  Other cases state that anywhere between cycles 4 to 8 of chemo these clinical signs were seen.  This was my 9th round of chemo and putting the pieces together from previous chemo rounds points to this same pattern. 
Hypersensitivity reactions are typically immediately seen after administration of drug -
facial edema
bronchospasm
hypotension
tachycardia
pruritis
erythema

fever
chills
abdominal pain
nausea
diarrhea
hypotension
I had several of the above symptoms listed.  The facial edema has been one that has been present increasingly more each chemo treatment.  It seems to be more of a redness in the face and flushing that comes and goes.  This time it decided to stay and get worse.  Because of the allergic reaction my chemo was suspended and I did not receive my normal dosage amount.  I am told that this is no big deal right now.  As for future chemo treatments I don't know about that either. There is much to discuss.  This was a very scary ordeal for me.  My primary oncology doctor was not in town when all of this happened so I will have another follow-up appointment with her on December 14th, which is when I am scheduled to have my 10th round of chemo.(I am hoping for maybe an earlier appointment to discuss options and allow time for prayer.)  Case studies point to a re-occurrence of these clinical symptoms when oxaliplatin is administered again.
The nurses were excellent and moved quickly to make me comfortable and treat the symptoms I had.  If you are allergic to a bee sting and have a reaction to that you know what I am talking about.  If you have been stung once and reacted poorly you avoid getting stung again.  If you do get stung you make sure you have an antihistamine readily available. Great caution and care must be taken.  It is my earnest prayer now that God would grant us and doctors wisdom as we sort all of this out. It gives new meaning to the phrase practicing medicine...I just don't like to be the one they are practicing on! We know that God is faithful and can work out the details of an impossible situation.  Praying for that peace and comfort now. I am so grateful to so many of you for praying for me daily.  One just can't be prepared for something like this.  It gives me great comfort knowing how your prayers cover me.

"Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.  I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you go through the deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through the rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.  For I am the Lord, Your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." 

Isaiah 43:1-3 NLT

A song we sung in church this morning really ministered to my heart...hope you enjoy it!  When the Waters Rise by Casey Darnell.

Taking a Break

 Many of you know by now that I have encountered my first "cold" while undergoing chemotherapy.  It's been a normal head cold as far as colds go.  It's been the typical aches and pains affiliated with being under the weather.  It has been since last Wednesday that I started with a sore throat and progressed to a stuffy nose and cough.  Fortunately I have started an antibiotic protocol that seems to be keeping the cold from getting worse.  Lot's of tea, orange juice and water have helped flush this cold out.

In the mean time I have logged much time on the couch. I'm very thankful for many of your prayers and words of encouragement.  I am not certain how having this cold will effect my scheduled chemo treatment this Wednesday.  Of course I have to see what my lab results say...low platelets are plaguing me.  Whenever company is scheduled to be here with my family my chemo has been postponed one week.  This has happened four times now.  I have 4 rounds of chemo left and then I will be done!

Off to the hospital here shortly to get my labs done and await chemo treatment today.  Like I mentioned above I have done a lot of just "resting" or sitting around waiting for time to pass.  It has been good. Yesterday I was given   a prayer quilt from the Castleford Ladies Baptist group.  It is so perfect! I will post some photos today after chemo with the quilt.  Receiving this quilt is such a blessing.  It reminds me how many people are praying for me during this time.  It also is a reminder of the love Christ has for me and that He will never leave me or forsake me.  Making a quilt is a labor of love and many hands worked diligently to present this gift to me.  I am overwhelmed by the love of the body.  I cherish even the thought of some of these ladies working on this quilt for me...so precious to the Father.  This is real faith in action. Yesterday I read this short devotional from a new favorite of mine, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

Let me infuse my peace into your innermost being.  As you sit quietly in the Light of My Presence, you can sense Peace growing within you.  This is not something that you accomplish through self-discipline and will-power; it is opening yourself to receive My blessing.


In this age of Independence, people find its hard to acknowledge their neediness.  However, I have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for Me: placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident.  Through the aridity of those desert marches, I have drawn you closer and closer to Myself.  You have discovered flowers of Peace blossoming in the most desolate places.  You have learned to thank Me for the hard time and difficult journeys, trusting that through them I accomplish My best work.  You have realized that needing Me is the key to knowing Me intimately, which is the gift above all gifts.

This entry in her devotional was so encouraging to me along this journey I am on.  Sitting quietly is hard to do.  I have so many distractions screaming for my attention.  Yet I have chosen the better way, the hard way, the eucheristeo way. In my recognition of my neediness He meets me.  This is where the power for right living becomes possible.  I am able to put one foot in front of the other and continue the good fight.  I can find strength in Him alone. I rest in the shelter of the Almighty and find peace.

Real Thanksgiving

Merriam Webster defines thanksgiving as, “the act of giving thanks” or “an expression of gratitude.”  Middle English eukarist, from Anglo-French eukariste, from Late Latin eucharistia, from Greek, Eucharist, gratitude, from eucharistos grateful, from eu- + charizesthai to show favor, from charis favor, grace, gratitude; akin to Greek chairein to rejoice .   Eucharisteo in the Christian faith is known as the Holy Communion or the Lord’s Supper.  It is the great table of Thanksgiving.  The Eucharist is the heart and soul of the believer’s life.  Without the actual death and resurrection of Jesus Christ it is nothing more than a symbolic religious ritual.  The table holds two elements to the believer; the first being the bread representing Christ’s body. The very substance to life: bread.  The second is the wine or cup representing Christ’s blood. The blood poured out for my sins and the sins of the world.  We eat and drink, swallowing down our thankfulness for the price paid by God’s only son: Christ Jesus.

I’ve been reading a book called, “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp.  In her book she dives into the hidden treasures found in un-wrapping the gift of Eurcharisteo.  Her faith journey is similar to mine. Questions about this Christ life, faith, injustices, marriage, kids; yet our paths maybe different the desire to see God, know Him, to embrace His goodness in the midst of this “life” is the same.  I often have wondered if anyone else on this planet thinks like me.  Is anyone else willing to ask the hard questions and actually go on this crazy quest to find the answers and then talk about the journey?  To discover how to unlock the treasure chest of this abundant life is a journey worth taking.  This book has stirred my faith, getting right at the heart of my ingratitude, discontentment and lack of zeal to live fully in Christ. The Word has a way of piercing through the clutter.  Her poetic way with words on the page with pen stabbing deep pierces my soul.  The faith journey can always go deeper.  Christ always has more for us, but we must learn it.  Paul refers to this when he states, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:12-13) Ann Voskamp lays out how our faith must reflect thankfulness, “we can only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks.”  Just like the one leper out of ten who returned to say thank you.  Jesus’ response in Luke 17:17-19, “your faith has healed you.”  Voskamp explains how when we choose to be thankful for what Christ has done our very salvation is being worked out. Going the extra mile, “Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our yes: to His grace.”  She goes on to say, “The act of sacrificing thank offerings to God, even for the bread and cup of cost, for cancer and crucifixion – this prepares the way for God to show us His fullest salvation from bitter, angry, resentful lives and from sin that estranges us from Him.”  So I ponder.  Yes I can thank him for the communion table and for cancer (and yes it hurts); for His death on a tree and for all my sins and the sins of this world.

So the next question one must ask is how then do you have the ability to really thank God for something like cancer?  Because it’s cancer and it’s literally killing me from the inside out and the chemo is poison running in my veins.  Psalm 50:23 sheds some light to my dark question, “He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God.” The hard part comes in everyday living.  I want to be happy, content, and even joyful.  I like Paul, am learning thankfulness in all circumstances (cancer?).  Voskamp gives us a dare – a dare to list, to name gifts that are before our very eyes.  Every perfect gift comes from the Father.  These gifts describe his love in the beauty around us amongst the depravity and chaos in this world.  But one must choose the hard Eucharisteo way.  So I begin recording and naming the gifts.  Is this not the first job of Adam in the perfect garden? Naming…when something has a name it has meaning, identity and therefore we can assign credit to the Creator for making it.  So I have begun the list of one thousand gifts.  I struggle to see the “God glory” around my chaos of dogs, cats, cows, boots, coats, Lego’s, Hot Wheels, laundry, bills…but I discover what Voskamp has discovered: pure charis – joy! Joy comes in the naming.  Naming is the way to abundant living in Christ, to always be thankful.  “Deep chara joy is only found at the table of Eucharisteo – the table of thanksgiving. “

And so I list:

1.   Kittens purring

2.    Stars in the sky

3.   Fresh eggs from the coop

4.   Red sun rising

5.   Clean sheets on the bed

1 Corinthians 11:26 says, “For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.”  Voskamp continues, “Like every day. Whenever we eat.  Eucharisteo – whenever: now, joy.   Wherever: here.” 

6.   Dog tail thumping on the wood floor

7.   Laughter

8.   Feather pillows

9.   Silence in the early morning

10.   Holding hands for prayer

The list goes on like my faith journey.  I embrace Eucharisteo intentionally with eyes only God can give.  I have reason to be thankful and I see it clearly now.  It’s all around me.  His love envelopes my world. How did I not see it before? This I can name: real thanksgiving.

11.   Real Thanksgiving

If you want to learn more about Ann Voskamp visit her blog at: www.aholyexpereince.com or www.onethousandgifts.com. 

Also, check out the posting of this devotional on Stonecroft's website: To Inspire You

Endurance

 Please read Hebrews Chapter 12

 "For the Lord disciplines those he loves...God's discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness." Hebrews 12: 6;10

I am super happy to report that round eight of chemo is complete!  Only four more treatments left and I will be done!  This is very good news.  The end it almost here.  I am so very ready to be done with this!  I just need a bit more endurance to finish this leg of the race.  This is what I have been pondering the last few days: endurance.  Finding strength to push through the nausea, aches & pains one more moment at a time. It's been said that God won't give us too much to handle.  I have to disagree with this statement.  He always gives us too much to handle.  It's during these moments when life seems to heavy to bear, which direction to turn or how a situation can look so bad turn around, that His strength wells up within us to overcome.  The faithful before us (prophets) are examples to this principle.  Their weakness was turned to strength. (Hebrews 11:34)

What is divine discipline?  Is it cancer? Is it chemotherapy for my physical body as well as my spiritual heart? Is it this road I am traveling on?  The Word says that God's discipline is always good.  So then cancer is good? A gift. It's painful now while it is happening to me day to day.  My physical flesh struggles to overcome chemical poison and my mind reals to capture my thoughts and make them obedient to Him alone, not wanting to believe the lies and tricks being played out before me.  There will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. (Hebrews 12:11) What is a peaceful harvest of right living?  What does this look like? How do I know if I am trained? More pondering is necessary.  I sip more of my tea and just sit.  Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)  The only sound is the dishwasher humming and a dog snoring loud by my side.  When is the afterward?  Is it when I am done with chemotherapy? Is it when I am given those glorious words: remission. Is it time? But wait, time is irrelevant to Almighty Sovereign God.  He is time. So how do I reach this peaceful state?  Is it heaven? Maybe that's it and I can't achieve this righteous peace because it isn't meant for this side of glory.  I will continue to ponder.  Yes I will store up my treasures in heaven and these nuggets of truth in my heart. Let more barns be filled with blessings. (Malachi 3:10) I type the words on the computer screen and more blessings appear.  My cup runs over.  My jars of tears are many. (Psalm 56:8) Some are tears of pain and sorrow but these days they are joyful drops from heaven.  I wonder if someday I will get a tour in heaven of these storehouses. The tear jar room and the scrolls of remembrance (Malachi 3:16) for all the times I have prayed with so many of my sweet sisters and God recorded the act.  Are there rooms filled with these items waiting for me? Maybe this is part of the righteous peace; the hope tucked away inside of my heart.  The hope of glory. (Colossians 1:27)  This is producing in me the joy of the Lord, which is my strength.  God literally comes and fills my cup with all joy and peace as I trust in Him so that I bubble over with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Nehemiah 8:10 and Romans 15:13)  He delights in giving and in my pleasure of receiving; they flow together in perfect harmony.  It's just so hard.  Jesus said it wouldn't be trouble free. (Matthew 6:34)

Farmers have great endurance: faith.  In the spring they work the ground and prepare it for seeds. The ground is fertilized and the seeds go down under the soil.  The waiting begins.  This is when a tiny corn seed figures out which direction is up towards the sun and a tiny shoot emerges out of clumps of soil.  The roots shoot down in search of water and nutrients and leaves open drinking in the sunlight.  It takes time for the stalk to develop. Along the way tassels develop in preparation for the silks to appear for pollination.  The whole process is actually very complex. It all evolves from one tiny seed, amazing! Soon an ear of corn emerges and the corn kernels continue to mature.  The average number of days  to maturity for corn is 125 days (about 4 months) with some hybrid varieties being shorter in the number of days.  I say all of this because we have grown grain corn this year on our farm.  We are eagerly waiting for the harvest.  The moisture level in the corn husk has to be around 14%  in order to combine and haul.  This is where I have made the connection to having endurance to finish out my chemo to growing corn.  It takes patience as a farmer to watch each individual step as the corn grows.  In the end the farmer is waiting for his harvest. The sound of the combine chopping and the trucks leaving with bushels of corn.  For me I am waiting for this harvest of righteousness.  Both require endurance. 

We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. Colossians 1:11-12

For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.  James 1:3-4