It's About Time: Real Time

What is it about time?  Twenty-four hours a day. Three-hundred and sixty-five days a year. We all have the same amount of time in a day to spend. It seems to be slipping away day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. I've been asking myself many questions about my time.  How am I spending it?  What do I spend my time on? Who do I spend my time with? Where do I spend my time?

Time off

    Time out

            Time in

                Timeframe

                    Timekeeper

                        Timecards

                            Timesaving

                                Timelines

                                    Timeless

Around my neck of the woods were are waiting for the grass to grow.  We measure time by the seasons and we predict that the climate would be warm(er) than it is this April. The cattle are hungry and no grass will grow with the cold temperatures. It gets a start and then frost comes and burns it back.  We are buying time, hoping the grass grows as we empty the hay from the barn.  It will get warmer, and the grass will grow. Maybe the grass will grow just in time. Do we wait it out and let time keep ticking day after day, or do we sell down the herd? Time will tell.

Time is ticking away...tick...tick...tick

Driving to a game

The music industry has had some popular songs including "time" in the title.Sometimes we wish we could go back in time.  Turn the clocks back to the "good old days."  What are those anyway? I remember when my boys were little.  The days of diapers, naps, and sleepless nights.  But now it is rushing from one sporting event to another, staying up late to finish geometry, and getting up early for another practice.  The tires on my truck see more of the road and I see less of my pillow.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Quality time together is what we all crave and need. It costs me my time. Lots of time spent in the truck driving. We spend time together as a family and these moments are the memories I want my kids to have with them when they leave the nest. Memories of Mom and Dad sacrificing their time to make time for them.  We can buy our kids all the latest gadgets but really what they want is quality time with us. 

The music industry has given us many songs written about time.  List of 100 songs with "time" in the title. Here is a list of 10 of them:

1. “One Moment in Time” by Whitney Houston

2. “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper

3. “Love me Two Times” by The Doors

4. “Time is on my Side” by The Rolling Stones

5. “Does Anybody Really Know What Time it is?” by Chicago

6. “Time of my Life” by David Cook

7. “Any Time at all” by The Beatles

8. “Too Much Time on my Hands” by Styx

9. “Big Time” by Peter Gabriel

Baseball Practice

10. “One Time” by Justin Bieber

The list goes on and on. You get the point. I keep going back to the beginning of time. To the One who created time, holds time, and makes time. What is time anyway? Can you define it? According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, time is defined as a) the measured period in which an action, process, or condition exists or continues: duration. b) a nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events that succeed one another from past through present future.               

To me, it seems that time is both passing me by and standing still.  It's as if I can see my life the way I think it should be happening but I'm outside of time.  I'm on some sort of timewarp frozen in time.  It's like a giant stopwatch is running on one lap but I'm stuck on the sideline just watching. I don't want to miss anything.  I want to be present, at the moment, right now enjoying it all.  That is what I intend to do -- cancer and all.  I want to live in real-time. Carpe Diem. 

How to Slow Down Time (Taken from this article)

Outside of taking a trip into space, and away from Earth's gravity well, there is a way to slow down time – at least from your own perspective. This has nothing to do with the physics and nature of time itself, but how fast or slow life feels to each of us.

Some researchers say that exposing yourself to new experiences or environments can actually make time seem to pass slower. This may be to do with the amount of information our brains have to take in and process – when we're young or learning something new, the world seems to slow down. As we get older and get into a routine, the days and years seem to speed by.

Unless you have a spacecraft, none of this is going to make you age any slower (sorry), but knowing that time is a little more bendy than many of us think it is can be a reminder that we have our own ability to alter our perception of how fast the days pass - if only a little.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12

So maybe this second go-around with cancer will help me to slow down time in my own life.  If I can only remember to take more time to process everything that is happening!  We have a fascination with time. So much to do and so little time. Speaking of time I am almost to my surgery time! Many have asked how they can help me and my family out and I wanted to share that here. I am thankful for health insurance and a job to support the grand expense of surgery, hospital stay, doctor fees, and the list goes on.  We will have travel costs of fuel and lodging. The hospital is 3 hours from home for me. If you feel like helping that is great, but please do not feel obligated.  I appreciate your kind words of encouragement and prayers. For those of you that are local (in Missouri), we do have a few folks helping to arrange meals. Please send me an email if you want to help with that.  Another idea is to send gift cards from local restaurants.  I will not be driving for about 4-6 weeks and will rely on my husband and oldest son to pick up items for our family.

A savings account has been set up in the name of Anna Luhers at West Plains Bank and Trust. Deposits can be made in Anna's name to any local area branch. If you are not from Missouri you can reach the bank here: WPBT  Any questions regarding financial donations please reach out to Lisa Pruett @ lpruett@liberty.mvbt.k12.mo.us.  

"To everything, there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

LMS Dance "Hollywood Night" 

Attitude and Altitude

After waiting another long week, I finally have a surgery date of April 18, the day after Easter. Let the countdown begin!  So 22 days of waiting, pondering, and lots of praying.  

I have really been struggling with my attitude and feeling sorry for myself  It is easy to get in a funk mentally and extremely difficult to fight out of it. The battlefield of your mind is a real thing. The enemy uses our thoughts to plant ideas that are in direct conflict with God’s Word. I thought I would share a few ways I’m constantly battling the enemy. It seems that I have a target on my back as well as my mind.  First, you have to start with your identity. Ask yourself, “who am I?” Who I am can be found on many pages of the Word. God tells me over and over again who I am in Christ.  Secondly, you have to recognize the enemy is at work trying to destroy you from the inside out. Call it what it is.  Call out the enemy for being a liar.  Third, you need to replace those negative thoughts with the truth.

WHO I AM IN CHRIST ORIGINALLY COMPILED BY NEIL ANDERSON

I AM ACCEPTED... John 1:12 I am God's child. John 15:15 As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ. Romans 5:1 I have been justified (declared righteous). 1 Corinthians 6:17 I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God. 1 Corinthians 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body. Ephesians 1:3-8 I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child. Colossians 1:13-14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. Colossians 2:9-10 I am complete in Christ. Hebrews 4:14-16 I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ. 

I AM SECURE... Romans 8:1-2 I am free from condemnation. Romans 8:28 I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances. Romans 8:31-39 I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God. 2 Corinthians 1:21-22 I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. Colossians 3:1-4 I am hidden with Christ in God. Philippians 1:6 I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me. Philippians 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven. 2 Timothy 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. 1 John 5:18 I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me. 

 I AM SIGNIFICANT... John 15:5 I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life. John 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. 1 Corinthians 3:16 I am God's temple. 2 Corinthians 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God. Ephesians 2:6 I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm. Ephesians 2:10 I am God's workmanship. Ephesians 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

These simple truths remind me of who I am in Christ.  God is in control, and I am not. I can't change my circumstances, but I can change my attitude about the circumstance. When my attitude is positive and focused on Christ my circumstances don't own me.  I agree with Jon Courson, when he states, "Because we exist for God, gang (not the other way around), our part is to say, 'However He wants to direct His drama on the stage of my life, be it a comedy or a tragedy, so be it.'" 

Keep the faith, fight the good fight, and control your attitude -- God will take care of the details.  

"You're attitude determines you're altitude."  Zig Ziglar

Siteman Cancer Center - Update from March 15

Yesterday was a wonderful day.  We were seen quickly by the oncology surgeon who was caring, compassionate, and easy to talk to.  Dr. M was everything I expected and then some.  She reassured this Google searching crazy science girl to not stress. Not a problem at all to have a bilateral mastectomy! She has been practicing for over 20 years and can't say "definitely" but with some confidence, this type of cancer has been detected early and we are in no hurry to operate. 

With that said I am still waiting for a surgery date.  (Big sigh....)

I did not need any additional imaging tests done yesterday. We visited for some time in her office and then she made a phone call to a colleague of hers, a plastic surgeon who was only one floor up in the CAM building at Siteman. I was amazed because we left one office and went directly to the plastic surgeon's office and literally waited maybe 10 minutes to be seen. I thought I would have time to take a few more pictures but seriously everything went so quick and smooth! We visited for a long time with Dr. B, a plastic surgeon about reconstruction. I had a lot of questions/concerns but ultimately felt much better about my decisions after visiting with Dr. B. So at this point, I am waiting on a phone call that coordinates both the oncology surgeon, the plastic surgeon and operating room availability. It could be up to 4 weeks wait. (Big sigh...again)  I was assured the urgency is not as great as I was told previously.  Again, we will have to wait for post-surgery results of lymph nodes to determine what treatment steps will be necessary. I feel so much about this decision to go to St. Louis!

Thank you again for all the cards, text messages, and Facebook comments.  I really appreciate all of you and knowing that so many care and are praying for myself and my family. At this point, I most likely will get to stay at school a few more weeks.  I am really glad because in Missouri 8th grade science students take a MAP (Missouri Assessment Program) test and I really want to continue preparing my students for this assessment.  Being a first-year teacher myself, all of this is new and I am eager to learn more along with my students. This makes me super happy knowing God cares about the smaller details in my world. Grateful for the support my school family has graciously offered to me in this uncertain time. (LMS family:  you know who you are!) I will update once again when I have more information everyone. Several have asked about how they can help our family during this season.  I am working on some ideas for this.  Stay tuned as I will be posting more about how you can each help.

Welcome to the Buffering Zone

 You know the feeling.  It's the one you get when the screen pauses, the little arrow circle spins in slow-motion, the video you are watching just stops playing and you have to wait.  You are waiting and waiting and you think to yourself will it ever load?  Is my connection down, is the internet broken, maybe my battery is running low, did I drop my WiFi and I'm roaming now??? Yeah, we've all been there.  Buffering is a lot like waiting.

I discovered something about the meaning of buffering -- the literal meaning of the word buffer as a verb, it means: to lessen or moderate the impact of something. Pondering that. I believe God has a purpose for all this buffering in my life.  All this time spent: waiting. Waiting for test results. Waiting for doctor appointments.  Waiting for surgery. Waiting for news, any news. It's in the waiting we learn life lessons, we hear the voice of God calling our name, we put our roots down a little deeper.

God is using the waiting time, this buffering, as a shield around me because if he was to deliver all the news at once it would be too much to handle. This is His way of teaching me to trust Him more, to prioritize what is important, to slow down and cherish each day, each moment, every memory. The buffering is like a protection zone.  It's the calm before the storm.  I know the storm is coming.  The hard part is coming. I keep telling myself to hold on.

Lamentations 3:5 "The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him."

Psalm 62:5 "My soul, waits silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him alone."

Psalm42:1 "As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for You O Lord."

How many deer do you see???

B: Brave, Bold, Breathe

U: Unity, Understanding, Undone

F: Faith, Family, Fullness

F: Fear, Fellowship, Future

E: Encouragement, Engagement, Epic

R: Rejoicing, Reading, Relaxing

I: Intercessor, Intelligent, Influential

N: Never-ending, New, Navigate

G: Goodness, Greatness, Grace

February 4, 2022, was the day I found out I had breast cancer.  It has been a long 39 days.  Today (3/15/2022) I go to Siteman Cancer Center in St. Louis, MO, and meet with a new team of oncology doctors and surgeons. I am eager and filled with great anticipation for their advice and expertise.

I will post an update again when I have more information from my visit. Keep praying and posting comments. I love to hear from each of you!

Iron Sharpens Iron

After a 3 week battle with insurance over a needed medication for an iron infusion it was finally a go today.  My Oncology/Hematology Doctor here in West Plains wanted me to get a dose of Iron in a few weeks before surgery.  I have been struggling with iron deficiency anemia (IDA) for several years.  I believe it is just my genetic makeup. How God made me. For some reason with all that I have been through my Iron levels just haven't returned to a more normal level. I have had several of the classic symptoms of (IDA) and I don't tolerate oral iron pills. For those that don't know I had a planned hysterectomy in December of 2021. This was to alleviate some of my iron depletion issues. This is rather personal information but I'm trying to be an open book. If my story can help someone else wondering, waiting, hoping then I'm going to share. I feel amazing after this surgery.  Life changing. But again my iron levels were still low about 7 weeks post surgery.  

I just wasn't prepared for how I would feel today.  This type of Iron takes almost 5 hours to slowly infuse. It also has a higher risk category for allergic reactions.  Because of this I had to get a dose of liquid Benadryl (antihistamine), Dexamethasone (long-acting steroid). and some Tylenol. Thankfully my body was kind to me and I didn't have any allergic problems.  I just experienced the weird sensations of the drug cocktail I received.  My plans of sitting and reading, planning, and grading flew out the window. You feel so sleepy due to the Benadryl and this jittery un-nerving effect from the steroid.  I tolerated the infusion and called in back up to take me home. 

I did manage to get a quick a question off to my students back in science class.  Thought I would share that here:

We are learning about Atoms and the Periodic Table of Elements.  Nothing like a real life example to cement the learning goal for the day!

You may be wondering what Iron does in your body.  I have a great article if you care to read some cool science.  The American Society of Hematology (all about blood!) has lots of information.

I have been so blessed by so many of your kind words reaching out with love and support for me and my family.  The comments, text messages, and phone calls are amazing.  It is in times like these that we need each other.  I would just ask that you be respectful and sensitive to my kids.  We are trying to keep them from having un-necessary anxiety due to the connotation of the cancer word. We have a great support system and truly appreciate every one of you.  When we get closer to surgery date and recovery we will be cashing in al the many offers for help.

Proverbs 27:17 

We know that when two knives are rubbed together it enables the iron to be sharper, making the knives more efficient to cut and slice. God's word is a double-edge sword. It is what we use as our guide to teach, encourage, and correct. 

Hebrews 4:12 

We are to sharpen one another when we meet together in fellowship. This may look a little different to us these days as some of our fellowship activities have ben disrupted due to COVID related issues.  We have to be intentional in seeking out fellow iron sharpeners. I'm glad to have you joining me on this journey. It is my heart to be open, real, authentic, fresh, and inspiring. I love to read your comments, so keep on keeping on!

Keep the prayers coming! 14 days until my next appointment.  I am still waiting on some testing to be completed. 

Again...

Those words were spoken over the phone....you have cancer. Wait what did she just say?  Can you repeat that? My heart is beating so loud that I didn't hear that correctly, right? Clearly this isn't happening to me.

 Again. 

    Again. 

She repeats, the written words of  the initial pathology report: invasive ductal carcinoma of the breast.  I'm sorry to report this news -- it is breast cancer. I'm numb all over. Please wake me from this bad, bad dream. This has already been on my "not to do ever again bucket list"...again? Deep breath. Inhale slowly.  The tears are hot and salty. It's happening again. 

Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe the amount of pain, disappointment, anxiety and fear that came flooding over me. 

But God....

I sit looking out my bedroom window at the snow covered ground, no leaves on the trees, just a blanket of white, seemingly enveloping the ground beneath its deceiving covers.  Winter is tucking away Spring for a bit longer it appears. The end of February is coming to an end like a cheating Valentine. It's icy cold outside, just like my aching, breaking heart, shattered in a million pieces.  Black birds swarm the white ground hoping to find a meal. I silently whisper, how I wish I could fly away like the birds do. But clearly I'm jolted awake from my bad dream, I'm reminded not like the birds but like the tree.  The birds are now perched high in the branches of a great oak tree sitting along the fence line in the pasture.  Be like the tree planted firmly, roots deep, the seasons come and go, the tree is not moved.  Be like the tree planted by the rivers of water that bring forth fruit in season.  All I really want to do is pull the covers up from my white comforter, and disappear. This was all ready on the "not to do bucket list" ever again.

 Again.

 But God has a different plan for me.

 Again. 

Be like the tree. A picture of strong faith enduring through the changing seasons. I didn't choose this path, it chose me.   I am reminded that I am His poiema, His workmanship created to do good works for Him, to be a light, a beacon to those around me of hope and strength.  Just like the tree that has strong branches for the birds.

Now I must embark on another journey of knowing, understanding, refining of my faith.  

Faith.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrew 11:1

I can't see the future. But I know who does.

I can look back at the evidence of His faithfulness in my own life.

I can stand on faith.

God is good 

God is love

God is faithful

We are called to live in a way the reflects what He has done for each of us.  Jesus came to be the perfect sacrifice on our behalf so that He might cleanse us from our sin and present us to the Father holy and blameless. Jesus redeemed us with His precious blood so we can live a holy life.

But all the heartache gets in the way. I am not alone in my brokenness and heart ache.

Brokenness comes in many packages.  Diagnosis of cancer. End of a marriage. A wayward child. Harsh reality of war. As the headlines read even now and the bombs break through hearts and homes on foreign soil, none of us are immune to brokenness.  It cuts deep.  Hits us smack in the heart of it. Stop you dead-cold.  Your life shattered in a million pieces.  As the pain wells up and the tears brim over the eyelids and fall, fall, fall, and crash down there are more questions than answers to life's rhetorical questions. This is a fallen world.  Sin demands death. 

For such a time as this...we are told trials will come.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love.  Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith - the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:6-9

So these trials come to test our faith like the refining process of gold. The genuineness of your faith.  What is your faith built on? It's about to get really hot.  Gold is prized for it's beauty.  Gold is a unique metal. Gold conducts heat and electricity. Gold is ductile and can be drawn to a thin wire. It is highly reflective of heat and light. Gold is malleable, so it can be flattened into extremely thin sheets. Gold melts at 1,945 degrees Fahrenheit.

No wonder God uses gold as an example of how he wants to refine me.  In the end beauty. Conducts and reflects heat and light.  Sounds like a familiar saying. Malleable -- mold me, shape me, stretch me, grow me. Drawn to a thin wire. Again, like a tree standing strong through the seasons.

Here is what I know:

This has been caught due to a routine yearly mammogram. I do not have a stage of this cancer as that can only be determined by testing lymph nodes.  It is called invasive ductal carcinoma grade 3. I still have tests being done to help make more decisions. This cancer requires surgery to remove the area affected. I have decided to pursue treatment/surgery at the Siteman Cancer Center in St. Louis, Missouri.  At this point I don't know if I will need chemotherapy as that depends on the lymph nodes.  I want to be as aggressive as possible to fight this. This hospital is part of Washington University Medical School as well as Barnes-Jewish Hospital.  It is a premier center for treating cancer. I have an appointment for March 15 for a consultation.  I hope to have a surgery date after that visit. 

Some of you may not know my previous battle with cancer in 2011, when I was diagnosed with stage 3B colon cancer. You can read about that in past blog entries and on the right hand side of the blog "My Cancer Story." 

Thank you to so many who have reached out with cards, txt messages, and emails.  I am overwhelmed by your love and support.  I am sorry if you are reading this here and I wasn't able to tell each of you personally.  It just isn't possible.  I plan to keep writing and updating.

Seven Years - Peace in the Valley

Foggy Morning

Today is May 13, 2018.  Seven years ago today my life and my family's life was forever changed by the diagnosis of cancer.  Today just also happens to be Mother's Day.  I can't think of a better way to celebrate seven years cancer free -- than being a Mom. God saw me through a very difficult time as a Mother and blessed me with two sons. So much has happened in the last seven years that God has been planning it amazes me.  For those that don't know my entire cancer story you can read the side bar titled "My Cancer Story."  I know God has been preparing me to write and return to blogging.  I don't know if anyone really reads this but here goes...It is pressing on my heart and mind to write more often about my journey battling cancer and being a cancer survivor.  Many have asked me to write about life on a cattle ranch here in Peace Valley Missouri. Devotionals regarding being a wife, mom and woman in Christ seem to be top on the list. I want to explore the topics of ranch life (like being a "real" pioneer woman). You know I love to cook, play in the garden and take pictures of my crazy messy blessed life. Id' love to hear from you.  If there is something you want let me know.

Late September

Feeding Heifers

Boys and Mom

Missouri Cattlemen

October Leaves

November Leaves

 So why Missouri? That is the biggest question everyone asks me.  We moved from Southern Idaho to Missouri in August of 2017.  Many factors played in to our decision to move.  The best and simplest reason is this: God told us to.  Yes God said go to Missouri! So here we are in Southeast Missouri just North of West Plains in a community called Peace Valley.  There is such a place as Peace Valley and yes it is peaceful here! After running a crazy schedule for so many years God has provided a place of rest for our family.  We are enjoying our daily routine of taking care of our cattle as a full time job as a family.  God began to prepare us for this task many years ago. We are applying the skills we have learned over the years to accomplish this now.

This area of Missouri is known for rich pasture ground able to support beef cattle. It rains in Howell County about 47 inches per year.  That is a drastic change from Southern Idaho at a meager 9.36 inches per year. Needless to say there is no need to irrigate here! God sends the rain to water the earth in due time. We are so glad to not have to irrigate twice a day here. They say we are always 10 days away from drought here so the importance of praying for rain is a real thing.  Currently we need rain, so join me in praying for rain in Peace Valley!

You can read more HERE about the land in Missouri and why we chose to move to the Ozarks to run a cattle ranch. This is an article about native grasses by the Missouri Department of Conservation.  Our cattle ranch has fescue grass and timber ground mixed in each pasture.  The forest ground is diverse! I am learning to identify many varieties of trees.  When we arrived in the late summer early fall and the leaves were still on.  Then winter came and leaves fell to the forest floor.  Now it is late Spring and the forest is full of life and leaves have returned and flowering trees have bloomed.  It is so beautiful! Surprisingly the cattle love to sit under these big oak trees and find shade from the hot sun. It is not so easy to count the cows and find everyone with the trees.  It is easy to forget you are on a cattle ranch and might mistake it for a state or national forest. This girl is so overwhelmed with he new flora and fauna to learn! My botany skills are being sharpened and I am enjoying the challenge of a new ecosystem to learn and appreciate.

Iris just bloomed!

Stay tuned for more updates soon.  I am working on writing some more devotional material in a series format that will build on a concept and specific section of scripture.  God has been teaching me so many things and I have crazy notes all over the place to organize.

For now I will leave you with this thought ---

Psalm 24 1:6

New Living Translation

A psalm of David.

1The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it.

The world and all its people belong to him.

2For he laid the earth’s foundation on the seas

and built it on the ocean depths.

3Who may climb the mountain of the LORD?

Who may stand in his holy place?

4Only those whose hands and hearts are pure,

who do not worship idols

and never tell lies.

5They will receive the LORD’s blessing

and have a right relationship with God their savior.

6Such people may seek you

and worship in your presence, O God of Jacob.

We are blessed to be here in Peace Valley, Missouri -- so thankful for the many friends we had to leave in Idaho and the new friends we have met and are getting to know here now.  

Psalm 50:10-11

English Standard Version

God Himself Is Judge

A Psalm of Asaph.

10For every beast of the forest is mine,
the cattle on a thousand hills.
11I know all the birds of the hills,
and all that moves in the field is mine.

May