Finding a Lonely Place

It is good to rest.  Take a Sabbath rest and not work.  I am learning this.  It really isn't that hard to actually do.  What is hard is saying no to the mile long list of other things I could be doing.  A chord is struck in my Spirit as I read Mark chapter 1.  I picture it like a real movie, lots of drama, passion and action.  Capernaum must have been a busy city in it's day.  Full of life and activities. Jesus spent time at the synagogue teaching, casting out evil spirits, and healing the sick. Word about his activities spread and many gathered to hear what he had to say. His days were long. Yet he was committed to the Father's will.

 "In the morning, long before dawn, he got up and left the house, and went off to a lonely place and prayed there." Mark 1:35

His compassion for others was birthed out of intimacy with the Father.  This wasn't his agenda but the will of the Father's.  He did not seek his own glory.  His words carried compassion and conviction piercing hearts and saving souls.  Why long before dawn?  Why a lonely place?  Long before dawn the world sleeps deep; unaware and still.  A lonely place away from others forces relationship; communication in prayer with the Father.  When alone you have your thoughts (or do they have you?) to contend with.  A choice stands in front of you.  As Jesus models for us, the lonely place is a safe place to lay down the thoughts in holy conversation.  It is a time to fuel up and re-charge.  To better equip oneself for the Great Commission of making disciples. This place transforms our thoughts to his thoughts.  We are then able to continue with the long list of to-dos, face the heaping piles of laundry, and participate in life around us.  It is in this quiet time that we find our purpose and ability in Christ to have compassion for others, not self.

"For in him we live and move and have our being." 

Acts 17:28

 I have just returned from Hawaii.  I know please don't be mad.  I wish I could have taken you all with me.  But then that would not have really been a vacation, right?  It was just me and my husband.  For the last 13 years we have not done this for ourselves.  We kept putting it off...later.  Later finally came.  We really didn't do a lot while there.  Lot's of sitting, napping and talking walks together.  It was very peaceful.  Sometimes the lonely place requires a change of scenery.  That sofa you always sit in to read your morning devotionals needs a makeover.  Maybe Hawaii is just too far away (and expensive!).  Take a drive, go for a walk and find a new place.  I found that a change in scenery is good for the body, mind and Spirit.  Get up early one morning, in the dark and go find a lonely place. Trust me, you won't regret it.

The amazing view from our 30th floor hotel room!

Anna & Daniel

I finished reading two books while away.  The first one is Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  The second is Radical Together by David Platt.  I would recommend both of them.  They are both challenging and require an openness to see things differently.  As I was reading I was making notes for myself and trying to digest all I was taking in.  My surroundings were different allowing me to see things in a new light.  In Hawaii there are so many people -- so many different people.  It is estimated that there are over 6,ooo people groups around the world who have not heard about Jesus (David Platt).  Wow.  As one sits along the shore of the vast ocean you realize how small you really are and how big God really is.  Yet, he cares for me and all these people around me.  All of them.  I was overwhelmed.  I needed no Internet to show me pictures using Hubble Telescope of stars and galaxies millions of light years away.  The simple fact that God is God and He loves us. Francis Chan states, " The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing God treasures us."  He made a place beautiful like Hawaii for his glory so men are with out excuse.  I had some quiet moments to ponder what I had been reading and reflect upon his Word.  This is a good thing. God speaks in these moments. He did speak.  David Platt says, "The Word of God is key to being productive for God both as individuals and for the church. Gospel driven obedience produces gospel filled joy.  "

"Faith expressing itself in love is what counts." 

Galatians 5:6

It's a choice to find these lonely places and have these God moments.  I admit I need to do this more often.  Good thing  it doesn't require a trip to Hawaii!  That would break to bank!  It does require some planning and commitment on my part.  I love Him, He is worth the effort.  "People who are obsessed with God have an intimate relationship with Him.  They are nourished by God's Word throughout the day because they know that forty minutes on Sunday is not enough to sustain them for a whole week, especially when they will encounter so many distractions and alternative messages." Francis Chan.

"In solitude, we can slowly unmask the illusion of our possessiveness and discover in the center of our own self that we are not what we can conquer, but what is given to us.  In solitude we can listen to the voice of him who spoke to us before we could speak a word, who healed us before we could make any gesture to help, who set us free long before we could free others, and who loved us long before we could give love to anyone.  It is in this solitude that we discover that being is more important than having, and that we are worth more that the result of our efforts.  In solitude we discover that our life is not a possession to be defended, but a gift to be shared.  It's there we recognize that the healing words we speak are not just our own, but are given to us; that the love we can express is part of a greater love, and that the new life we bring forth is not a property to cling to, but a gift to be received."   Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude.

Seven Times for Victory

I have been pondering the victory of beating the odds stacked against me.  The victory is bitter-sweet.  Everything has been focused on my health and well-being.  So much effort placed on achieving victory over cancer.   Standing on this side of the biggest mountain in my life I can honestly say I have victory.   I wish I could say the same for the rest of life's challenges.  It's not easy to conquer ones fears.  My personal character flaws and the desire to live the Spirit filled abundant life are at war.  I wrestle continually with a God who engages with me and for me in the battle.


"That’s what it says at the top of the page: Habbakuk. The name means wrestler.
To wrestle with God because the hard times are holy times. To not escape time, but stubbornly, fully embrace time, because this is how we stay engaged with God. When we don’t know how to hang on in hard times, to just grip hard to God.
The only ones who can rest in God are the one who have wrestled with God… I will not let you go until I you bless me.
That is what the pastor said: There is no tighter embrace than the grip of the wrestle."
Taken from Ann Voskamp What to Do in Hard Times 2/6/12.

Taken from Celebrate Recovery program:
(text in italics are my comments, regular font is CR material, Bible verses in italics and bold)

VICTORY

Principle 5:  Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.
Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires. Matthew 5:6
I must want to change...

Step 7: We humbly asked him to remove all our shortcomings.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1John 1:9
Daily I must ask for forgiveness, maybe even several times a day? For a righteous [man] may fall seven times And rise again, But the wicked shall fall by calamity. Proverbs24:16

Voluntarily submit
Offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to his service and pleasing to him...let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Romans 12:1-2
The key here is letting God into my secret places where I tend to hide my "junk."

Identify character defects
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9
This list of my character defects is long.  Yet I am reminded to only work on one at a time.

Change your mind
Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
In order to renew my mind I must replace it with good things like: scripture, worship music and thanksgiving.

Turn over character defects
But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. 
2 Thessalonians 3:3
Oh that pesky voice of the enemy who seeks to kill, steal and destroy! I am a child of the most high God. I choose to stand my ground.

One day at a time
So don't be anxious about tomorrow, God will take care of your tomorrow too.  Live one day at a time. Matthew 6:34
Serenity prayer...memorized (see prayer to the right of this post)

Recovery is a process

And I am sure that God who began a good work within you will keep on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns. Philippians 1:6
Old habits die hard and new ones take time to build. Practice makes perfect.  I am learning this as I am teaching myself to play the guitar...

You must choose to change
God gives strength to the humble,...So give yourselves humbly to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. An when you draw close to God. God will draw close to you. James 4:6-8
Quality time not the quantity.  I am trying to not be legalistic in my quiet times.  Yet I must make it a priority.

All Clear

Those sweet words I have been longing to hear for the last 9 months: no cancer detected...assumption is you are cancer free.  Ahhhh.  If there was ever a time for dancing...please dance with me!

The Lord himself will fight for you,  just stay calm. 

Exodus 14:14

The Lord is my strength and my song he has given me victory.  This is my God and I will praise him! 

Exodus 15:2

Waiting is the hardest thing.  Twelve rounds of chemotherapy later and here we are.  On the other side of my worst nightmare, now standing in awe. It's true cancer changes you.  Everything is different.  How can I go back to what "normal" was?  What is "normal" anyway?  Who determines what that is?  I know this: I am changed for a reason.  His ways are too wonderful to understand. Reminding myself to just stay calm.  Watch and wait.  He is always working no matter how grim it may appear.  Believe me I know grim.  Cancer does make you stronger.  Stronger because of Christ in me.   

Many friends have stood beside me over these last few months.  They have been kind and patient with me during this ordeal.  I can't say thank you enough.  Many meals have been prepared, floors cleaned and prayers sent up on my behalf.  They have not gone un-noticed.   My family thanks you.

The nurses and staff at MSTI are amazing.  I need more photos of them!  I just fell in love with these people who everyday deal with sick cancer patients.  What a calling!  Their attitudes and words of encouragement every week was so uplifting.  I can't say thank you enough to a great team of care givers.

Dave the MSTI pharmacist with me on my last treatment.

I have lots of ideas for what to focus on next.  So far I know I need to stay the course of wellness.  That is the one thing that is certain.  I want to get back to swimming again.  My energy level and stamina will take some time to bounce back.  With farming season fast approaching I have no time to waste.  I am all ready dreaming of my garden!  The seed catalogs keep arriving in my mailbox to tempt me.  So far I think relaxing and taking it easy are good plans.  Just stay calm and watch what the Lord does next.

Januaray Joy Dare

My gift list...Ann Voskamp (Januaray-Joy-Dare)
1. Growing hair on my head
2. I can sing
3. Organized recipes
4. Wood pecker on power pole
5. Laughter
6. Avocado on a plate
7. Handmade quilt
8. Truck
9. Comfy blue jeans
10. Cling to hope and My rays of light will reach you through the darkness.
11. Apron
12. Sunrise
13. Chap stick
14. Artwork by Dustin
15. Love
16. Firewood neatly stacked
17. Let's do a lunch date
18. I love you mommy
19. Early evening glorious moon
20. Sun on hardwood floor
21. A book
22. My house
23. A sweet friend
24. Limeade
25. Carmel candy
26. Candle
27. Sunflowers
28. Lemonade
29. Bright yellow sunrise
30. A dog
31. Tera firma
32. Bird nest outside
33. water running
34. Tractor idling
35. The words I'm sorry
36. His WORD
37. Personal testimony of a friend
38. Handmade head wrap
39. A meal
40. A prayer request
41. Watching my dogs play
42. Boy laughter
43. Finishing a baby blanket
44. A friend came to visit me
45. Lab results
46. No Chemo today
47. Isaiah 1:18
48. Psalm 73:26
49. Ephesians 6:10-18
50. Abundance of food
51. Rain: a picture of His quenching my thirst
52. Phone calls: prompted by Holy Spirit and powerful prayer
53. A reflection in a rain puddle
54. Soft muzzle of a dog
55. Embers in the fireplace
56. Morning sun
57. A hug from a friend
58. Mud
59. Old notes in my Bible
60. Wood cross (fits in my palm)
61. Peace of Christ (Phil. 4:7)
62. Love in Christ (Rom. 8:38-39)
63. Hope in Christ (Col. 1:27)
64. Old baby quilt with blue blocks
65. Blue hat
66. Dustin's blue lunch box (it was lost but came home today!)
67. A written prayer request
68. A note
69. Blue eyes
70. Fruit
71. Answered prayer
72. Sweet slumber
73. Solitude
74. Nap in the afternoon
75. Nausea medicine
76. Encouragement
77. Tears
78. Honesty
79. Overcome (Jeremy Camp)
80. Bedroom window sill
81. Hi Mommy
82. A red barn
83. Picture frame
84. Worn leather work gloves

Finishing Strong

It is finished!

Happy to report that the cycle of chemotherapy is now complete!  Let the celebration continue. Praise Him!

Finished
           Last
                 Close
                         Terminate
                                      Completeness
                                                         End
                                                              Done

You are the God who sees me. El Roi.  He has been faithful through it all. He truly is able.  Extremely thankful to be finished with this portion of my race. I set out at the beginning of this race not knowing what it would look like, let alone how the finish would be.  With grace as my companion I have conquered the beast of fear and won.  It was not easy.  Through Christ I was able to do all things.  I was able to face each treatment and endure the yucky nausea, body aches and poison to my body.

Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.  Hebrews 12:1-2

Keeping the eyes focused has been a challenge.  I believe this is what you call perseverance.  Without this lesson to force me to daily fix my eyes I would be a different person.  Time can change a person, but His Word changes the heart: the spiritual eyes.  Paul prayed for the church in Ephesus, that the eyes of their heart would be enlightened. My eyes have seen the glory.  They are forever changed in light of cancer and this race.

Trials are an opportunity to prove the faithfulness of God in our lives.  

It is through the fiery furnace of affliction that we grow and thus reflect the light, the hope of glory.  None of us want these heart aches.  Yet at the same time we are keenly aware that troubles, trials and afflictions are part of life.  Jesus said so himself.  It's no wonder that these heart pains contribute to our earthly woes.  God allows these tests to come into our lives for the purpose of strengthening our faith in Him.  Satan would love to kill, steal and destroy us by tempting us to choose the pathway of sin.  God always provides a way out.  He is good, all the time.  It is His character, He can't be anything else.

Brothers I do consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:13-14

Maybe you find yourself in one of these firey tests.  What are you going to do about it?  Let me share what I have learned...

Be careful in trials.  If you find yourself asking this question over and over...why am I going through this?  If you sense your body temperature rising, if the tone of your questioning is whiney, cynacal or even a sniveling cry...here is what you do:

• James 1:19 Listen.  Be swift to hear and slow to speak.  You can't be swift to hear if all you are doing is yelling at God, or for that matter your loved ones. 
• James 1:20 It does no good to be angry, it bears no fruit. Instead be quiet, retreat.  Spend some time alone.
• James 1:21 Do some housecleaning.  No, not your home -- but your temple: self examination. Get rid of the moral filth that is weighing you down. Ask God to show you and be honest with what He reveals to you. 
• James 1:22-25 Go to the Word for direction. Take a good look at the face in the mirror.  Ask yourself what am I filling my ears with?  Is my mind set in stone? It's one thing to hear the Word and think you are fine. AKA: attending church on Sunday morning, check again. You can agree with the Word, but that is not good enough.  You will be blessed if you do (live it) the Word.
• James 1:26 Watch your words.  Keep a tight rein on your tongue.  If you are in right standing with the Lord & your brother(s) you will bridle your tongue.

In the end you will be able to agree with James when he states,

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  James 1:2

A Pinch of Patience

Today started with a lesson in patience.  It was a typical morning in the house.  Dustin up, dressed, feed and waiting for the bus to arrive.  I bundled up to walk him across the road and then hurry back into the house.  To my surprise my door had frozen shut, locked and key-less I was stuck.  Now, I had just put two of the four dogs outside and locked the back door because they have figured out how to open the door on their own.  This of course is not good in 20 degree weather.  I thought to myself no big deal just go up to the shop and find the spare key.  Well to my dismay their was no spare key to be found.  I called my in-laws who fortunately did have a spare key.  Whew!  I just had to be patient and wait.  I could see the coffee I just poured on the counter through the window.  I could also see two naughty dogs emptying the contents of the trash can all over the kitchen floor.  I could do nothing to stop them.  

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have [its] perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 

James 1:2-4

I wait for tomorrow with much weighing on my mind.  I will be done with this road of chemotherapy tomorrow.  

Tomorrow...

Regardless of lab results affirming treatment or denying treatment.  At any rate, the end of a chapter in this race will be finished.  My faith has been stretched.  I have overcome many obstacles in my path.  I have not accomplished this alone.  Testing of ones faith comes with a price.  How much has it cost?   It had all ready been paid - His death - covered the cost - in full.  I am eternally grateful.  My cup of patience has been filled to overflowing.  I have come to understand it takes trials and struggles of all shapes and sizes to grow.  With out these tests we would not have a way to prove our faith.  I believe and so I am saved.  It's like Abraham - he believed God and it was credited to him as righteous (Hebrews 11).  This came before the act of offering Issac on the alter.  His faith was tested.  Abraham's works proved his faith was real.  God brings these tests to bestow blessings upon us. Like sand on the seashore...too many to count.  Blessings like fruit in the form of patience.  We can't give birth to fruit with out a growing season.  It takes time for fruit to develop and become ripe.  So it is with our faith. 

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must first believe he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.  

Hebrews 11:6

What does it mean to earnestly seek? 

 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Matthew 6:33

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  Matthew 7:7

 I have discovered over these past nine months that prayer has become my lifeline to the throne.  It is open 24/7 for business.  It's not that I didn't pray before all of this happened, I just have been praying more...like all the time. 

Be joyful because you have hope, be patient when trouble comes, and pray at all times. Romans 12:12

I have prayed for patience.  He has delivered.  If you don't ask you won't receive.  We don't ask and we wonder why things stay the same or get worse.  Seeking His kingdom enables his outpouring of various gifts - blessings He wants to bestow upon us.  I am overwhelmed with the response.

What Are Thank Offerings?

I am reminded once again by some notes I was re-reading in my journal.  Notes from 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp, "How do we live fully so we are fully ready to die?" Her answer is this: "We only enter into the full life if our life gives thanks."  Psalm 50:23 states, "He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God." Thank offerings are those graces that cross our paths daily.  Sometimes they are easily spotted.  Sometimes we have to look for them.  Either way it is in the naming of these graces that our thanks makes its way heavenward.  When you can give something a name and identify it's source this brings our hearts to a place of thankfulness.  This really is the premise to Voskamap's book -- name the gifts and record them.  Making a record validates the authenticity of who is responsible for giving the grace. This is why I am listing my January Joy-Dare gifts.  There is something so powerful, refreshing and inspiring about the naming.  It is contagious.  I can't help but share.

In order to live the full life I must practice thankfulness.  What does this look like?  Seriously it's hard to give thanks all the time.  But this is what we are reminded to do over and over in the scriptures.  There are 39 exact phrases recorded for us with the words, "give thanks" in the OT and NT.  Here are a few of my favorites:

Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for [He is] good! For His mercy [endures] forever. Psalm 107:1 

In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Rejoice in the LORD, you righteous, And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name. Psalm 97:12

A deeper understanding comes (wisdom?) from God in my faith as I offer up these graces.  This may actually be how my salvation is being worked out.  Through the pain and often difficult circumstances I can still thank my God and praise him.  He is still God and always good. Regardless of how I feel, and these days I don't feel so great. My body is crippled with poison and weighed down with side-effects I can't hide.  It doesn't change who He is. I name in spite of my road and because of my road.Cancer may change me, but not Him.  It is in these moments that I discover the joy that comes with naming the gifts. This is the nugget of truth one reads in Voskamp's book.  Why am I so drawn back to her writings?  There is nothing new under the sun.  This is no new truth.  What is new is the presentation. A fresh perspective.  A revelation that is a taste of reality, not fake.  I love how God can use a simple farmers wife and mom of six to be a spokeswomen.  God still speaks today.  Through the writings inspired by the Holy Spirit a whosoever became obedient to write what had been placed on her heart. She had a story to share. We all have a story to share. I am inspired, encouraged and motivated to press on.  To fight my own giants and discover the joys placed on my path.  Why didn't I see them before?  They have always been there.  I needed a tool, a system to help me stay the course and march along the highway of thankfulness.  As I name and record, the thank offerings make there way to heaven.  An offering.  A fragrant offering. Like incense burning on the altar.  The sweet smell rising above circumstances, above the pain and above self. 

Let my prayer be set before You [as] incense, The lifting up of my hands [as] the evening sacrifice.  Psalm 141:2

A form of thanksgiving can be a simple raise of my hands.  They are high and lifted up in adoration of His graces given. The palms turn and open to receive more. I become the fragrance. Sweet smelling to the Savior: the best gift of all.

Now thanks [be] to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place.  2 Corinthians 2:14

So I continue to name and number...