The Word for 2012

I have been trying to think of a word to describe what I believe the Lord would have me focus on in 2012. It's no an easy feat to come up with just one word.  It really is a challenge.  I wanted clear confirmation from the Lord about this.  It's not about me...then again it is about me.  I have so many questions.  No answers for these questions looming in my mind.  Time. Space. Family. Friends. Church. Ministry. Exercise. Food. Bible Study. Worship. Laundry. Animals. Cleaning. Homework. Health. The list could go on and on.  Then it hit me.  What am I really about? I have so many things I want to do.  Again it is "me" driven.  Not your will Lord but thine be done...remember the sacrifice He paid.  Keep the main thing the main thing: Christ and Christ alone.

So this year my word is:   INTENTIONAL.

To be intentional in three specific areas of my life.  
1. My personal relationship with Christ. A re-commitment to grow in my knowledge of His Word, to commit myself to prayer and to seek His kingdom above all else.
2.  My health.  I must give myself permission to take proper care of my body.  Meaning to eat well, getting some exercise and resting. This one is most likely going to be the hardest.  To me this speaks of not getting over-committed, possibly even saying no to some good opportunities. 
3.  My relationships.  To make time for "dates" and un-interrupted communication with my husband.  To follow my heart and be led by the spirit when it comes to being with friends.  Connect on a deep level and minister in the moment.

This approach is different than picking a bad habit you may want to break or setting an impossible goal.  It replaces the concept of a New Year's Resolution. You might be wondering how on earth can I pick one word.  I have some help for you.  Check out this web page called: www.myoneword.org.  You will find some tips that can help you pick a word for the year.

Comic Relief

I wanted to write a few thoughts down on the lighter side and maybe try to get  you to laugh.  I feel like I have been so serious about myself these last few rounds of chemo.  Not allowing myself to be fully here. For those of you who read Ann Voskamp you may be familiar with the term: live fully here, now.  So I was pondering some funny things that have happened to me.  I am sure most of you will be able to relate to my crazy and often hilarious life.  It really is funny when you step back and look.  Perspective brings into focus what is truly important.  Besides one of the fruits of the Spirit is joy.

You know that life dishes out some rather hair raising situations, here are a few of mine:

1. I was talking on the phone with a lady from the bank because once again I think somehow it's a mistake that my bank account is overdrawn.  I know this lady and she thinks my son is so quiet and obedient.  Yet while talking to her my son is, yelling and kicking the dog(s) and running around the house half dressed.

2. I've discovered evidence (who knows how long it has been sitting in a pile!) that one of my dogs is sick.  Immediately I put the dog outside. Only to turn around and find another pile of loveliness.  This has happened to me several times.  I have four dogs! 

3.  I awoke in the middle of the night and rolled over only to find my son in the middle of the bed and I wondered how did that happen? Didn't hear a thing...I used to hear everything he did as a baby in the middle of the night, even his breathing!

4. I recently discovered alphabet magnetic letters in the toilet.  I know why on earth were they in the toilet?  Well apparently my son was using the towel rack bar (it is magnetic, who knew?) to spell words in the bathroom.  Some "accidentally" fell off the towel bar into the toilet.  I then (being a vet's wife) used at large artificial insemination glove and scooped the letters to safety before they became another problem.  (see photo!)

Yes I actually fished out the letters!

5.  One of my favorite cards I received right after I shaved off my hair was from my sister.  I posted it in my office.  It has a picture of a pirate on the front and states: If people ask why you're wearing a scarf on your head and you say it's because you're a pirate...they'll have no follow-up question.  I actually told some kids this and I think they really believed me. (I even pretended to talk like a pirate...eye ma tee!)

Okay so maybe they aren't that funny.  At any rate you have to be willing to laugh at yourself and the silly things that do happen.  I find that I am taking things that happen to me with more grace.  The other night my sweet husband washed and cleaned up the dishes for me.  I failed to mention that the saucepan on the stove was part of our dinner.  He threw it away.  The old Anna would have seriously lost it and most likely would have stormed off into solitude for the night pouting like a child.  I was frustrated yes, but I just swallowed hard and made a second batch of the sauce.  I laughed silently to myself.  I am learning that some things just aren't worth getting upset over.  Dogs seem to test my patience the most along with an un-compliant child. It's in these moments when I have the opportunity to exercise self-control.  I have a chart on my fridge that lists the attributes of love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  It also lists the opposite to each attribute in an  attitude.  This is especially helpful for myself as well as those teachable moments as a Mom. 

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  

Love never fails. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

It is the eve before my last round of chemo, number 12.  It's hard to believe the road is actually coming to an end.  So grateful for the journey.  Many tears and sleepless nights.  Sweet times of solitude and prayer.  Priceless.  I know there are battles along this journey that I will still have to fight.  Cancer is one of those nasty things that likes to resurface.  I believe with all my heart that the cancer is gone.  I can't say it won't ever come back.  I don't want to go there.  That my friends will be the battle for me.  Controlling my fears.  Most fears never come true anyway, so why waste precious time and energy on them.  The Father has it all planned out.  I am not to worry.  I just keep casting my cares on Him and receive in return peace that passes all understanding.  I stand and guard my heart, I press on toward that prize, I rest in the Shelter of the Almighty, I sing a new song and the dance continues.  He leads and I follow.  Laughter is my friend, wisdom like a sister comes as I age.  The joy of the Lord is my strength.  Stay with me for the next chapter of this glorious journey. I promise it will be good.

9 Months

You could say I am on the homestretch of the racetrack.  If you aren't familiar with that term it means this: the straight part of the race track from the last turn to the finish line.  It basically means the final phase of the race is here! I am counting the days.  Eight days and I will have my last chemo treatment.   Can you tell I am excited?  These last 9 months have had my share of ups and downs.  It's funny that it ended up being 9 months.  Isn't that the same period of time for gestation? Now I know that God is big on time and His timing is perfect.  It's just rather comical if you ask me that this season has lasted almost exactly 9 months. I am about to give birth.  Literally this is what it feels like.  I have been waiting through this season of dormancy, resting in His Presence, trusting Him daily for strength, praying for peace and healing.  So the fruit is getting ripe.  The transformation is going to take place.  A re-birth you could say is about to unfold.  Seasons don't last forever.  Through creation God speaks.  It is through the seasons that change that He speaks.  It is winter here in Idaho.  It is cold out.  We haven't had much snow to speak of (yet).  The ground is frozen and plants are asleep for the long winter.  But spring is coming.  The days are getting longer.
The moon was glorious the other night.  It was low in the black sky with bright yellow to golden hues beaming from 238,857 miles away. It spoke so clearly to me of His character.  You see that is what creation does.  It speaks of His character to us.  Through tangible things we see with our own eyes, we get a glimpse into what our heavenly Father is like.  He is powerful, almighty, merciful, creative and romantic.  He calls to us through the beauty of creation to seek Him.  To know Him deeper.  You can count on the seasons changing.  Our calendars tell us when summer turns to fall to winter then spring.  You can count on life changes. Life altering changes.  Changes like cancer. It changes you and your family.  I prayed for a long time for something to change in my circumstances.  I wanted God to intervene and help change me into the women He wanted.  I stopped saying change "them."  Once this occurred a heavy weight was lifted.  I experienced such freedom in Christ.  I am not saying that I prayed for something like cancer to occur, but I honestly meant it when I said your will not mine.  Can we be that real with ourselves and with God to say it and really mean it?  Can I really sing blessed be your name...you give and take away?  Can I sing I'll stand with my arms high and lifted to the one who gave it all? Am I really willing to bless and stand?  What is this going to cost me?  The answer my friend is found in the season you are in.  Through the journey we are to take the time and taste, smell, feel and experience His beauty around us.  It is in the process of walking through the season that we begin to get answers to these questions. Why cancer to me? Why now?  I may never know those answers.  But I do know this:  God is sovereign and his creation speaks to me of his great love for me.  I walk through the season because He is with me, guiding me step by step.  He gives me a glorious moon that reflects His glory to remind me of His never ending fountain of love just for me.
I am awestruck at His creativity.  I love plants, especially flowers.  They are so intricate, beautiful and colorful.  Intelligent design was behind this.  Sunflowers are my favorites.  They are part of the Aster family.  There are over 460 identified plant families with an estimation of over 400,000 individual flowers species on the planet.  This blows me away.  Even flowers are only here on earth for a season.  They do not last long. "The grass withers, the flower fades, Because the breath of the LORD blows upon it; Surely the people [are] grass." Isaiah 40:7  God cares about the beauty contained in a flower but it doesn't last long.  How much more does He care for me and for you? So much more.  We just don't take the time to enjoy the beauty around us.  To see what He has made for us to enjoy.  "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."  Romans 1:20

Sunflower from my garden last year

There is fragrance in the flower. It is pretty to look at. The fruit develops from the flower.  It takes pollination and time then for the fruit to develop.  How does 9 months sound? I think that is long enough. If you really think about it most flowering plants and trees take about that long from spring to fall.  Is that a coincidence? No way, once again intelligence design is at work speaking to us about His plans, His ways and His love. Think about the sunflower seed.  Look at the photo above.  The seeds will develop in the center of the head.  The seeds are the fruit.  If planted again they will grow more sunflower plants.   Waiting for the fruit to be ripe in my life in my season. 
I have avocados sitting on my counter. They aren't ripe yet. Can't wait for them to be ripe because then I can eat them and taste the goodness.    "Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

Seasons Do Change

Welcome to 2012!  I don't know about you but I am eager to engage in what this year holds.  I feel like standing as close to the edge and peaking over it...hoping to get a glimpse of what is in store.  Funny how we so desperately want to know what is next and yet it is kept under wraps till the perfect time.  Hindsight is always the best place to reflect.  This is where faith and real living play out. What does the next phase of life look like?  What is in store for me, for my family?  So many questions come to the surface.  Yet I wait, hope and trust in a living and faithful God.  My angst is put to rest and I breathe in His Word.  I sit in silence.  I journal.  I play my guitar.  I sing.  I wait.  I am trying to figure out what is next in my journey.  How involved do I let myself become?  How much do I hold back?  Words like, "just say no Anna...you need to rest more" plague me.  How much rest Lord is needed?  As many of you know I am a go, go , go type A person.  This year has taught me much about myself.  This season of dormancy to rest and to be still has been so fruitful to my body and Spirit.  I am very grateful for the quiet days and short list of to-dos.  I sense the season changing.  I am having to look deep with in at the things I want to do.  The gentle whisper of his voice speaking over me catches me off guard.  It hits me: what I want to do.  Opps.  It's not about what I want to do.  It is what He wants me to do.  I want to rely on Him to guide me, give me His heart and show me what His plans are.  I am so wrapped up in want I want to do I am afraid I'll miss what He has prepared for me to do.

"True dependence is not simply asking Me to bless what you have decided to do.  It is coming to Me with and open mind and heart, inviting Me to plant My desires within you.  I may infuse you with a dream that seems far beyond your reach.  You know that in yourself you cannot achieve such a goal.  Thus begins your journey of profound reliance on Me." Sara Young, Jesus Calling.

So my journey of profound reliance continues.  I wait again.  I don't get tired of waiting.  Before this season I would grow impatient and forget what I was really waiting for.  Sometimes the lesson is learned in the waiting.  or the answer comes through the waiting.  It's all perspective.  What once seemed like an impossible situation became an amazing miracle.  I see His Glory and Power at work in these difficult situations.

I just finished my 11th round of chemo.  One more round to go.  It has been a long road.  Many days of feeling like will this ever end are coming to a close.  I have had to endure much.  Not alone mind you.  The Lord has been so faithful through it all.  My strength has been renewed daily.  I have my CT scan scheduled for the 27th of January. I believe strongly that this CT scan will result in a clean bill of cancer free!  It will be the days, weeks, months and years ahead that will be more difficult.  I remain hopeful and I trust that God is faithful.  Whatever He has planned is good.  I will remain diligent to care for my well being and take all the necessary steps to ensure that. 

I hope to write more about what is next for. me.  Again I am waiting.  Praying that the Lord directs my steps and gives me a clear picture for the future.  Seasons don't stay the same forever.  Looking forward to a change.

Looking Back

The end of 2011 is near. It has been filled with much excitement and heartache. A year to remember for sure.  Many amazing things have happened.  I thought that it would be good to write down some of the blessings and share them with you.  Our family has been here in Idaho for 6 1/2 years now. We moved here with the hopes of farming and ranching and raising a family.  Our first farm we intended to purchase did not work out.  Needless to say I was 9 months pregnant and we lived with my husbands brother and wife.  This continued post Dustin arriving for four months.  We found the farm we now reside on.  It had a double wide trailer for a home.  It worked for it's purpose and was very comfortable for our family of three.  We had dreams of building a house at some point in the future.  It was my hearts desire and prayer the last 5 years to have a home.  The house that sits on our lane heading back to the trailer sat empty for 1 1/2 years.  It was the original farmhouse on our property.  We would drive by and just not look.  God was working in the background.  He always is!  In January of 2011 we inquired about the house.  We prayed.  The price had been reduced once again.  The bank was working on the deal.  On February 14, 2011 we signed the papers for the house.  This truly was a miracle.  It has been a prayer of mine to have a home for our family - a place for family and friends to gather.  It is at the core of a women's being to have a home and decorate and entertain.  I wanted an oasis for my family.  God saw my heart's desire and granted the request.  His timing was perfect.  Shortly after moving in to the house my health became a huge concern.   On May 13, 2011 I was diagnosed with colon cancer. Two weeks later post surgery, we knew it was stage 111 and chemotherapy was required.  Talk about a bomb shell being dropped.  But, we had a home - a place of rest.  A room for visitors and overnight guests.  A great peace washed over me. Just knowing that we had a home to dwell in and welcome the extra help during my days of recovery was huge. 

My basket of cards!

Dustin at the Tide Pool at Sea World

I had many friends come and prepare the soil in my garden, plant my garden and water my garden.  We had many meals delivered.  I had cleaning angels knock on my door to vacuum, dust, mop floors and do laundry.  I had a roof put on my chicken coop. The blessings kept coming.  My mailbox overflowed with cards, notes and sweet words of encouragement. These literally kept me going day to day moment to moment.  The power of prayer has blessed me greatly.  As I look back, every physical need my family had was met.  In July, our family was able to take a short vacation to San Diego.  We took Dustin to Sea World and enjoyed some much needed family time. 
There have been some long days and nights over the past year. Many trips to the new hospital (great timing on that too!).  I have had countless doctor appointments, many lab draws for blood work and one trip to the ER.  God has proven once again His faithfulness.  We have remained hopeful.  I have completed 10 rounds of chemotherapy.  I have pushed through the nausea, aches, pains and long list of side-effects of the too many to name drugs I am taking.  Most of all we are a family.  Together we have overcome the obstacles in our path.  The Lord has fought for us.  He has made a way.  His power in us carried us through.  He is able to do exceedingly more.  His goodness overwhelms me.  We are a testimony to His faithfulness.  Many would be ruined financially by this ordeal.  Our health insurance is good. Our God is gracious.  He has shown compassion.  Our farm has done well this year.  We have reaped a bountiful harvest and are blessed.  We are grateful, humble and stand in awe.
My longing for heaven increases daily.  When I ponder my earthly trials and so called "suffering" I know that nothing will compare to the glory that awaits me - face to face with my Savior.  It will be worth all the pain and drama of the last year of our lives.This road is worthy, because Jesus paid the ultimate price.  I am strong only because He lives in me.  My joy rests upon relationship with Him.  His Word is alive, it consumes me day and night.  Thankfulness.  Deep eucharisteo has been birthed out of this season.  New levels of spiritual discovery and intamacy with the almighty.  You could say I have tapped into my own
"glory hole."  The gold I have found can not be bought.  It is worth the journey I have taken to find it. The time spent seeking His comfort, mercy and strength is worth the struggle.  I have traded my sorrows, my ashes for beauty.  Only God can create (bara) something out of nothing. He isn't finished.  2012 is a few days a way.  I continue to wait upon Him. I don't know what 2012 holds, but I know that it will be good!

A Star to Follow

"Can anything separate us from the love Christ has for us? God answered our question before we asked it.  So we'd see his answer, he lit the sky with a star.  So we'd hear it, he filled the night with a choir; and so we'd believe it, he did what no man had ever dreamed.  He became flesh and dwelt among us."  Max Lucado

"I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night - but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.  To you the night shines as bright as day.  Darkness and light are the same to you." Psalm 139:11-12 NLT

"For God, who said Let the light shine out of darkness made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ Jesus."  2 Corinthians 4:6

"The angel came in the night because that is when lights are best seen and that is when they are most needed.  Stepping from his throne in heaven he removed his robe of light and wrapped himself in skin."  Max Lucado

"We have seen his star in the east and and have come to worship Him." Matthew 2:2

Can something be learned from the wise men?  It is hard to fathom the incarnation of God here on earth.  It is too great to comprehend.  So we have faith and believe in a miracle.  We must learn from the wise men.  They were on a quest, a searching for the Savior.  When they saw the star they were overjoyed.  This calls for a celebration.  When joy wells up you can not keep quiet.  It bursts forth in song.  The angelic choir was ready. They found the baby, the Christ child. This is the response I want to have: humble worship.  They brought gifts from afar.  I have no gifts of gold, frankincense or myrrh to offer.  All he wants is my praise and worship to wonder and marvel in awe.  To sing praises in my Spirit.  I am looking for the Star.  A star to lead me down the path.  Where you go I will follow.

"Because of God's tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace."  Luke 1:78-79

A new favorite worship song by Hillsong: You Are More

A Christmas Story to Ponder

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Can you sense the anticipation growing?  There are two days left till Christmas break and we are 7 days and counting till the big day.  The presents are wrapped, the tree is decorated, the lights are hung and yummy goodies line the counter-top in my kitchen. I love this time of year when we make our home look pretty with Martha Stewart like decorations, we bake like Betty Crocker and we post Christmas photos of our family and friends on the fridge. The music is cued to the holiday music station and my favorite Christmas candle is burning.  Ahh the sights, sounds and smells of Christmas are here.  I want to hit the pause button and savor it all year long.

I was supposed to get chemo treatment last week on Wednesday.  I had it planned out this way so that I could enjoy the days leading up to Christmas better.  It didn't work out that way.  Christmas is still going to happen.  It happens every year on the 25th of December.  I am reminding myself that we can celebrate like this anytime of the year.  I wonder if Mary might have felt the same way.  Her plans to get married somehow interrupted by news heralded by the angel Gabriel: you will be with Child by the Holy Spirit and you shall call Him Jesus.  Talk about a change in plans!  It's Mary's response to the angel that catches my attention.  It strikes a chord in me. She responds, "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said." Luke 1:38 Mary immediately accepts the news and believes. This is faith in action.  The bells ring loud and the choir sings forth Glory to God in the Highest.  Do I respond this way when my plans don't seem to work out?  I have to admit most times my ways don't work out. I don't respond with a quick yes Lord.  Instead I parade around like a chicken with it's head cut off.  Lovely picture!  It's true that I get upset when my plans seem to fail.  I want to hear those words, "you are highly favored."  I mess it up over and over again.

Mary was betrothed to be married to Joseph.  It was Jewish custom to be pledged or like an engagement period.  In all aspects Joseph and Mary were "married" yet Jewish custom stated that they were to remain pure.  So for Mary to return from Elizabeth's pregnant was a big deal.  She could have been stoned or Joseph could have divorced her.  God had plans for Joseph and Mary.  It was hard.  People talk.  Joseph also had an encounter with an angel.  Joseph also believed and put his faith into action: he obeyed and took Mary as his wife.  He was told not to fear, but it is human nature to be afraid.  Afraid of the future.  I can relate.  Faith conquers all fears.  I think both Mary and Joseph were afraid, yet they were determined to be obedient to what God had told them.  Was it hard for them?  Certainly.  Did they miss their family when they had to travel to Bethlehem for the Census ordered by King Herod.  Did Mary really think her time to deliver was not soon?  Did the travel bring labor?  Many questions I ponder.  Scripture tells us they did not return back to Nazareth but were warned in a dream to flee to Egypt.  More distance between family.  I can imagine on one hand they were both relived to be away from those in Nazareth and the ridicule they must have experienced. New friends and community would not know their circumstances.  Maybe this was God's divine way of protecting their fragile hearts.  God's ways are always best.  I must remind myself of this daily.  I fight to be in control, but then remember His ways I can not fathom.

I was reminded of this once again this morning in church.  Pastor Jackie was reminding us of the Israelites and their captivity to the Babylonians.  They were placed in chains, families torn apart heading for a life of slavery.  Life was not going as planned.  Yet God gave Jeremiah a message for the children of Israel.  He told them, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I think this future and a hope means two things.  One, it was the promise of a Messiah to come.  The second was not going to be found here on earth.  It was set in their hearts: eternity.  For the Jew the promised Messiah was to come and set up His kingdom and set them free from captivity.  God was speaking of a heavenly kingdom and freedom from the law and peace with God.  The long walk to Babylon must have been rough.  Where was God? What was He thinking?  This is not the plan!  Yet it was part of God's perfect plan for the children of Israel.  The future and hope was on it's way...all in His time. 

Sweet Mary and Joseph did not plan on a baby prior to starting their marriage.  Yet this was part of God's plan to bring salvation to the world.  A baby changes everything.  So Jesus was born in Bethlehem and laid in a manger.  A feeding trough. A stark reminder that He is the Bread of Life. The star brightly reflecting the glory of the moment.  What am I reflecting?  Is it this God glory? Or am I too caught up in this Christmas hype to see the miracle before me?  My heart screams out like Mary I am the Lord's servant...I want to make a difference, I want to be a light. In spite of my circumstances and the way plans seem to change like the wind, I must take a stand.  Like Mary I must resolve in my heart that I am the Lord's servant  -- let it be as the Lord has chosen. For I know that the plans God has for me are good and he is building a future for me and that gives my spirit hope for the moment and hope for a bright future in heaven.

Christmas time seems to bring to the front of our memory our relationship with Christ. It causes us to wonder at the miracle of the virgin birth.  To marvel in the amazing gift God gave us: his one and only Son, Jesus, Emmanuel God with us. We make time to be with friends and family.  We exchange gifts, food and stories.  This year is different for me.  I have a fresh perspective.  A God-given-glory view.  I want to cherish it and savor this season of Christmas for the year to come.  I have great hope and expectation for the future.  I can only say one thing about it: I know it will be good!
Merry Christmas Friends!